Today was lesson 5 in A Woman's Heart. I could hardly take it all in, Beth taught so fast and furious. At some point she said that we want to have "a long obedience in the same direction" and that is just what I needed to hear. Somehow the lesson for me became centered around that statement because I am so short in the obedience and sometimes just off center in the direction.
When I look at my life in retrospect I realize I have lived with a secret sin in my life. It's so secret that I kept it from myself and Jesus has decided now is the time for me to deal with it. My life reflects that I doubt God and His love for me. I despise myself enough for it that I pretend to myself that I don't.
The funny thing is, He's shown me over and over in a million ways. Even during the recent years of a dark depression I knew He was leading me through it and for some reason that I cannot fathom, He decided to bring me past it. Yet, at the first sign of trouble I fret and worry and drive myself to distraction...doubting my wondrous savior.
He isn't working an instant miracle in my sons' lives. The truth is, I was only self-righteous in my mothering and not the obedient mother to them I pretended to be. I know He forgives me yet I am doubting He will look beyond my failure and do a wondrous work in their lives.
Ruth Graham said in her book on Prodigals that she realized at some point that she was wanting God to do something in the lives of her sons that she had neglected to ask God to do in her own life. I think I understand what she meant. Beth Moore said in today's lesson that WE ARE IT. We can't sit around and hope that "someone" will be the lamp-WE are to be the light. I think God is saying to me that my hope should not only be for my children; it should be for myself, too.
I love what Beth said on page 107 of A Woman's Heart: Our hearts are prone to wander and tempted to squander our Father's inheritance on the world's cheap amusements. But when our eyes awaken to reality, when we lift our heads above the compromise, and when our stomachs ace for the food of home, a certain Father will always be standing at the gate, ready to prepare a feast for us, waiting anxiously for His prodigal to come home.