Friday, May 30, 2008

As I look around me lately I see how shallow I am, how hard I let my life be for myself. I see some of the tragedies and sorrows that enter the lives of people and I realize that for God, our troubles aren't on some kind of scale. "This event shouldn't make me sad because someone else has had a deeper blow." I think that God loving us means that He wants our smallest injuries-the ones we think we should be able to handle-and He wants to comfort us. We all know to pray in the face of overwhelming circumstances and grief. I need to refrain from judging and gauging even myself and just give it all to Him. To admit to my Lord that I'm easily wounded. I need Him in all things, in all pains and griefs. Because He's there with me in those "little" hurts, I am assured and confident of His presence when the walls fall in.

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

a little tirade

I had an argument with my hubby this morning. I started it and carried it and he wrapped it up which is how we usually do the arguing thing because I do not do so well at agape love.
I'm feeling overwhelmed today and no matter how many Beth Moore studies I do, I can't seem to NOT live out of my emotions.
These last few weeks have just been a slow piling up of stress. Dance competition and then a college visit to Point Park in Pittsburgh where I had to think about my girl going off to college in only one more year. Then our anniversary was May 10th. (We celebrated 27 years.) Mother's Day was the day after, which had a niceness about it but was still a bit hard as my mind is doing the "only one more mother's day and there will only be one at home with us" thing as I missed my two boys who did at least call. My wayward boy turned 20 on May 13 and moved into school sponsored housing which was good but stressful as we had to push him to do it. My oldest graduated from college on the 18th. He is moving to NYC to try and get a job and see where life takes him and I had to go and help him move his stuff and he was sad his college years were over which made me sad, too.
So, on this weekend we are going to dinner in DC to celebrate the graduate and my other son's girlfriend is going to spend the night with him at school and join us and this is where my husband and I had our argument. Because I am tired of paying for this girlfriend to live with him which is what it feels like is going on and I think that we should not pay for his living arrangements if she is going to live with him. I don't, however, "work outside the home". Apparently, I didn't express myself very well because my spouse asked me to stop lecturing him which means we aren't going to discuss this topic.
WWBS? What would Beth say? I need to go pray which I knew already but was effectively ignoring until I asked myself that question.

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

LPM blog

The LPM blog whammed in on me today. God has been speaking to me about what I viewed as my lack of motivation but really is perfectionism. I had an inkling before today. I read the symptoms of perfectionism in a Messies book. I have read a jagazillion books on organizing and how to organize and be organized for crying out loud so I can't remember who authored the messies books. It was the first time I thought "Oh. Maybe I'm not so much a slob as a perfectionist." I think it was because I could check 8 out 10 signs you may be one. The sad thing is that at the time I thought that it might sound nicer to be a perfectionist as opposed to a slob. But Beth's blog sort of honed in on the real down side which is I don't do the work because I know I won't be perfect. It applies especially to my painting. I have a little talent-I think, maybe, at drawing but because I can't create what's in my head, I just neglect it altogether and sit around thinking that I would really love to paint. I'm almost fifty for pete's sake. When do I think I'm going to do it? Just thinking about the topic of perfectionism and it's evils is stressing me out.
I'm glad I went on to read the comments because so many women said "Hey, this is me." (Is it a mean streak to be comforted by the fact that others struggle with the same things you do?) I've tried to instill in my children that God has a plan for your life-follow the open doors and trust what you believe He's saying.

Monday, May 19, 2008

UVA grad

Our oldest graduated yesterday from the University of Virginia. He's hoping to move to NYC in a few days and find a job there. I'm hoping he'll spend a few seconds at home with his ma and pa.

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Happy 20th Birthday!

Born on a Friday the 13th under a full moon. Mom labored only 2 and a half hours before you made your appearance weighing 7 lbs 4 oz. You were a happy baby and a happy little boy. Hope this next decade sees you becoming a happy young man.

I love you with all my heart,


Sunday, May 11, 2008

My best friend's granny was a strong woman of faith. She had three sons, one of whom was killed in a tractor accident. My friend's dad is a good man and a good son. He lived near his mother and cared for her in her declining years. She loved him and was, I believe, a good mother to him.

Then there is her third son. He was raised with the same love and care given to my friend's dad but he would vanish for long periods of time without a word. He drinks. He uses and abuses family love and privilege without ever giving anything back.

When I first met granny she told me how much she wanted to see him again. He hadn't been heard from for several years. Every day, she told me, she prayed for him to come home.

My second son is in school, has a job in DC, and this week, we moved him into student housing. And yet, I look at his diminishing frame and I can not celebrate his steps forward because I know that he still is using drugs. I know that it is a matter of time before he overdoses or goes to jail or fails at school or work because he isn't free from his addiction or even at a place where he will acknowledge his need. I asked God why He doesn't answer my prayers for my boy and God brought granny to my mind.

A few years before she passed away, granny's wayward son returned home and lived there with her at the family home place. Others in the family saw that he was using her; living off of her. To granny, it was God's answer to her prayers. He was unchanged, but he was home where she could see him, feed him and care for him. When she died, she left the home place to him. He was there scarcely a year before, without telling his brother, he sold it and left. God provided him with a mother's love, a home and opportunity. God answered granny's prayers to see her son again. Only her son knows how God is working in his life at this point.

God hears all my prayers for my son and I see the answers to many: give him a hope and a future, keep him safe. How can I question whether God will answer them all or not? Why do I slip so quickly into despair over this boy's behaviors? I don't know how God will answer but I must believe and hold onto the truth that He will answer. It gives me an odd comfort to think of granny's faith and her hope in God in spite of her son's unchanging behavior. It speaks to me of belief in God's ability to move and change what we see as improbable or even impossible.