Saturday, June 30, 2007

Bloggedy blog blog

I'm stepping out in the blog world and reading other peoples blogs. It may sound pitiful to the more computer savy but just figuring out how to find blogs to read has been a challenge. Some are so awesome-funny, illustrated-with links to other interesting blogs- I feel sort of mmmm-like what the heck do I think I'm doing here?

My third child and eldest daughter, 15, went on a "road trip" with our close friends' 18 year old daughter to Cornell to visit the 20 year old big sister of the 18 year old. (whew!) Anyway, they were gone for three days and during that time I felt the beginnings of heartache that in just two years she will be gone from home on a more permanent basis. Not realizing how swiftly the current of time flows, the youngest chimed in with "You will still have me for four years!"
I knew when the oldest son left that my four were all standing in line at the door, waiting their turn to exit out. I didn't let myself grasp the reality that we were just cresting the waterfall.

Thursday, June 28, 2007

A rainy day

I've been out of sorts today. It's so hot and humid here. All week the weather people called for thunderstorms but it wasn't until this evening that the rain finally came. My mood, however, has been having a rainy day all day.
It started in the early hours of the morning when I dreamed a dream about my second son. I woke up upset, and in talking to God about him, I just cried and cried. I feel so much guilt over his wrong turn because I know I am to blame somewhat. I know God forgives me. I just hate to watch my son spiral down into the abyss of hopelessness and despair. I couldn't shake the feeling that he's lost his job and probably his room and what is he going to do?.
My bible study today asked the question: Am I ready to follow Jesus even when it looks like He has lost? I believe I am. I'm holding on ever so tightly to the truth that Jesus has a plan. He works everything to God's purpose.
In an odd way, I'm looking forward to ending my rainy day listening to the sound of the rain on my roof.

Cleaning the Shower

I finally got around to cleaning my shower today and I was doing so, it struck me that my life is a whole lot like my shower stall. I hate cleaning the thing and so I keep putting it off until it's such a chore it takes me what seems like forever to get it looking okay. It's got a glass enclosure with tracks that are just a bear to clean well and of course, the build up on the glass is SUCH a treat! Anyway, as I am to give everything to the Lord, I decided to give him my distaste of this particular task and that was when He revealed to me that my approach to shower cleaning is very much like my approach to the "stuff" in my life. I hate dealing with it and I put it off until it's such a chore it takes me forever to give it all up.
I'm old enough to know better on both these cleanings. I've gone around and around on the "Okay, it's clean and now I'm going to keep it that way-oops I'm just not wanting to do it today" wheel for most of my adult life.
I want off the wheel.

Monday, June 25, 2007

What dreams may come

In the last few years since my two sons have moved out and on, I have begun having interesting dreams. In these dreams my oldest son is at various stages of his babyhood and my heart remembers him with such love and joy. He is exactly as he was, not changed a bit in the remembering. My other three children are at various ages of childhood. One is five, another is three, and the youngest one two. My oldest son is always the baby.
Last night in my dream, he started out as the baby but then the next in line-who was three or four in the dream, came up to me and said "You love him more." I said "No." and put down the baby. The baby then ran out the door and came back in as the 21 year old he is.

I'm not a dream interpreter but I'm thinking I'm working through the kids growing up and leaving the home thing.

Friday, June 22, 2007

Hope deferred

My 19 year old prodigal son is outside in the cul-de-sac playing street hockey with the neighbor boy he's played with since he was 8. He came to the door in his loud yellow plaid shorts and his long dirty hair. For a moment, my heart lept within me that maybe he was coming home. But then quickly settled at the impossibility of his admitting to his mistakes. That's what he has to do now. We have done all we could for him and now we must love him; keep loving him. Let him experience the consequences of his mistakes.
In her book Get Out of That Pit, Beth Moore says that generally when we go leaping into pits we have a problem with authority and that perhaps we've had authority figures that were overbearing or wimps. I certainly see that my son has a problem with authority but where in the authority figure department did I go wrong? I think most often that we were wimps. He was such an easy kid up until his mid teens that when rebellion reared its ugly head we were too shocked to respond properly. I hold to the power of the Lord who has gotten me this far; pulled me out of my own self dug pits. The bible doesn't tell the stories of good parents. It tells of the awesome power of God.

Thursday, June 21, 2007

A gift

God is so sweet to me when I just listen and do what I hear Him telling me to. He gave me a gift today that was so unexpected it made me cry. I feel so insignificant sometimes and He just lets me know now and then that He doesn't think so. And of course, none of us are. His son Jesus has died for us. Why do I marvel that God gifts me in small ways when He has given me so much more in the sacrifice of His son than I ever could deserve?

summer promise

It's quiet in the house but it's the kind of quiet that says it's summer. The air is hot with the sound of birds outside and even though I can't hear them, I know my two girls are deep in slumber. I like the summer quiet as opposed to the silence of an empty house.
For me, summer holds the promise of time: the time to get everything in order, establish a routine of work and play. I have been "at home" for 21 years now and have yet to end the summer with those routines established. Maybe it's because by September everyone has subtilely been changed by the warmth of the sun and freedom from time constraints. Whatever the reason, the school year will start and I will traditionally feel unprepared. Even so, my mind is turning with things to accomplish that will launch me into the controlled, ordered life that I long for.

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

My husband says we need to get a darn clue. I'm not sure about what exactly. I think he's referring to the stuff that's crammed into the refrigerator that we neglect to remove before cramming in some more.
My life is sometimes like that refrigerator. All sorts of things that were good when I put them in there but when left they stagnate, or worse, grow something disgusting I don't want to deal with.
I really need to clean out my refrigerator.