Friday, August 14, 2009

So I've been quite angry and mad and probably more than a little depressed. All the remaining items in my "pit". My little pity pit.
You ever just get sick of the sound of your own voice in your head?
I haven't decided if I'm still sick of it or not.

Friday, May 1, 2009

Me, me, me.

I had permission to use this photo.

The Friday before Easter hubs, the girls and I went up to NYC to see J perform in his improv group. We got to NY early afternoon, checked into our room and prepared to have J show us around his part of town. My eldest daughter turned to me, as I rummaged through my purse trying to find my camera, and said "Don't bring your camera! I don't want pictures of me plastered all over your blog!" I was a tad taken aback. Okay, my feelings were hurt. I defended myself with "I don't just plaster pictures of you all over my blog." The older and the younger sort of made half-hearted attempts to defend me with comments like "well, it's your blog" and "I don't mind if you plaster pictures of ME up on your blog". The lack of enthusiasm for my picture taking persuaded me to leave the camera in the room. Which, I add with some smugness, they were all sorry I did as we saw some things that they all wanted a picture of.
In the heat of the discussion over my camera, L tossed out that I had no life of my own to write about so I used pictures of my kids and wrote about my kids. And someone, maybe it was my husband, said that "well, when you're a mom the kids ARE your life". This remark shot right to the heart of it for me and has smoldered in me for weeks.
I came home and did a review of my blog-which mostly has pictures of my kids plastered all over it. Even my personal struggles centered around my kids and what they are doing. The one thing I was doing for me, the 365 picture a day, has fallen by the wayside due to circumstances with one of my kids.
What the heck.
I saw the movie Marty the other night on TCM. It's the story of a 34 year old bachelor that lives with his widowed mother. He at long last meets a woman and falls in love. In the meantime, his widowed aunt, who is living with her son and his wife and baby, is tossed out of their home for being difficult. She comes to live with Marty's mother and they have a conversation about what's going to happen if Marty gets married. The aunt says something like: I'm 56 years old. I have a lot of life left to give; strong hands to cook and to clean and all I have left are empty rooms. Nobody wants me. What's a mother without children to love?
When it's put like that, it's easy to see how pathetic it is, really, to view myself only as "a mother". Honestly, I didn't realize I was doing that. I think it must be somewhat easier for women who have held onto some part of themselves by working. Perhaps everyone in the family can see that she brings so much more to the family than just strong hands that cook and clean. Or maybe not. The temptation might always be to put your whole heart into your family neglecting to leave a little piece of it for yourself.
So, I have decided to look a little more at myself and what I'm doing and a little less of looking at my offspring and what they're doing. I have a lot of life left to live with strong hands that are dying to do ANYTHING else but cooking and cleaning.

Friday, April 3, 2009

A Popping Sound

There's only so much a girl can take and then comes the eruption of emotion. Look out everybody; get out of the way.
The wayward son is out and as I turn my attention back to my girls, they let loose with their own issues and problems. I confess, I can't quite cope.
I just want some calm. I'm pretty sure that under ordinary circumstances I could cope with the youngest D's and F's and boyfriend that she's not supposed to have. I think I could cope with L's undercover partying and imminent exit from our home to college. As it is, I just hear a popping sound that signals the arrival of my breaking point.

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

365, not really

I have fallen behind on a picture a day. But...I feel it is too early in the year to give up completely.

My senior girl and her friends leaving on the senior trip. She had a great time and I missed her.

My husband was so ticked at me about the fact that I don't drive my bug as much as I do the van. He was lecturing away and I got out my camara and captured the moment. HAHA!

We picked up pizza for dinner one Sunday night and I thought "Cr*p! I havent' taken a picture today!" TaDAA

My youngest being goofy. I could probably get a picture of her being goofy every day.

Mothering ceased

We had group counseling yesterday; S, hubs and me. S said lots of things that all came around to: I'm trying to change him and I won't let him do what he wants.
Which is true.
Because he wants to do nothing. Maybe not nothing: He wants to stay up all night and sleep all day and party and graffiti up other people's property and then sleep all day and wake up at night to do it again.
He said he didn't get why we care so much. What's it to you what I do? Why can't you leave me alone? He sounds and acts like he did when he was sixteen.
But he's 20, almost 21.
After he announced to us that his plan is to wait until May 15, the date we gave him to move out, to worry about finding a job or a place I said: Thank you, son. I am free to say to you that you are leaving today. I am not living with you one more day.
My mothering for him, ceased. It was that easy.
And that hard.

Friday, March 6, 2009

365 Feb 28-March 6

It reached 70 degrees today so S and his girlfriend ate their dinner outside.

I'm hooked on McDonalds. Not a pretty picture. I stopped there on my way home to make dinner for my hubs.

Trying to look 49 again. Hairdresser claims she "younged" me up a bit. Nice try.

What do you know, It did snow and the young people had two days off school.

Stuck by the train on the way to church. The weatherman wants to promise snow but all we have is rain.

My senior girl has been dealing with a rash for two weeks. Technically, I didn't take this picture but it expresses the week of doctor visits: 3 not counting the dermatologist.

Thursday, March 5, 2009

Actions speak louder

I spin around in circles listening to people's advice about S. But every now and then, I have a moment of clarity. Today was one of those days and in talking with my husband, he's had his moment of clarity, too.
Sunday I wasn't feeling well and decided to leave with S after church instead of staying for class after. S and I had quite the conversation where he said so many of the right things and I just listened and thought that maybe something's getting in. Pretty much since then he's continued to stay up all night and lay around all day unless I wake him up and tell him something to do. After the conversation on Sunday, I expected at least a minimal attempt to do something different-or did I?
Anyway. I heard him go out this morning at 4:30 am and I found an empty tequila bottle in the bathroom under the sink and he was wearing the same clothes since Monday and was asleep on the couch when he got a phone call. The phone call was from a girl that he promised he'd give a ride to work to in exchange for her recommending him for busboy or something.
S doesn't have a car. We let him use our van. Unfortunately for S and his friend, L has the van because her car is in the shop, something S didn't know because he just assumed he could use our car whenever the mood strikes. And as he stood there in front of me in his nasty clothes with his bloodshot eyes telling me he was going to go look for a job except he forgot L was going to have the van-I had the moment of seeing ourselves loud and clear.
I said, and it is quite unchristian, "Bullshit. You are full of it. You say all the right things in just the right way but you should know; I may look like it's convincing me of something but what I am really doing is watching what you are doing. I'm really saying to myself 'here he goes again with the bullshit'. And I'm convinced more and more that what you say is crap because you don't DO anything different.".
The time has come, even though it breaks my heart AGAIN, that he has to leave. I called my husband and told him that S has to do something different or he's out at 21which is May 13. My husband said that he had come to a conclusion and that was that S had had since October to redo and he hasn't redone. He's only talked about redoing so my husband is going to tell him he's moving out on his birthday regardless of what he's doing and especially, regardless of what he's saying. My husband said that it was time that we spoke with our actions because just like what S has been saying to us is meaningless, apparently what we've been saying to him is meaningless as well.
It really doesn't matter anymore how much we love him.

Saturday, February 28, 2009

365 Almost

It's tougher than I thought to get a picture EVERY day, but I press on.

A self-portrait by S.

I spied my daughter's graffiti in her high school parking lot. Every year, the seniors paint the parking lot.

Hubby and I took a day and went for a drive through the Virginia countryside. I was waiting for him to get fuel.

A picture leaving a restaurant instead of IN the restaurant.

My hubby bought me a surprise for hanging stuff. For no reason. Unlike the GPS, this gift could come in handy. So I said "You can be my picture for today."

A Christmas present from my hubby, a GPS. It was one of those gifts somebody thinks you need, but you don't necessarily agree. It failed me this day as it kept telling me to "Make a U-turn" I guess because I kept missing the street.

A fun day with my galpal Leslie.

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Our favorite breakfast spot

My husband showed me this today. It's from our local paper about our favorite breakfast spot. It's a real old fashioned, grungy, hometown place.

Published: February 23, 2009

Tom’s Diner is the kind of place you can go get meals like liver and onions or meatloaf for lunch, or breakfast any time if that’s what you want.

The daily specials come with vegetables, mashed potatoes and bread. Coffee refills are free. There’s a smoking section, and the wait staff will take time to chat.

Even with all of that going for it, the economy is hitting the place hard.

“We’re struggling,”said Bill Saleh, who has owned the diner at 9003 Centreville Road for the last eight years.

The slide has been coming on over the last seven to nine months, and it’s the worst Saleh has seen.

Everything is stacked against the father of four who came to the United States from Jerusalem in 1983.

Saleh said the downturn has hit him from all sides, with the double whammy of a drop in business coupled with an increase in the prices he has to pay for food and supplies.

“People come in, but the traffic is much less,” said the 47-year-old Saleh, who estimates that business is off by 25 percent from last year. “It’s a big difference in the prices of our products.”

Like other business owners, Saleh has had to eliminate spending wherever he could just to stay afloat.

“I cut hours for the dishwashers and the cook. I haven’t had to lay anybody off yet,” said Saleh, who owned an ice cream vending business in Pennsylvania before he came to Manassas.

Saleh said he just hopes he can hang on until things get better.

Regina Moore has worked at the diner that used to be called the Colonial Restaurant on and off for 15 years.

She looks at the bright side, even though she doesn’t make as much in tips these days.

“Weekends are still good,” said the 50-year-old Moore. “Everybody’s pretty nice. They all try to leave something.”

Food at the diner is reasonably priced with an anytime breakfast special of two eggs, two pieces of bacon, two pieces of sausage and two pancakes that goes for $4.99.

Moore said it’s not the kind of place where people come in and “spend a lot of money.”

“We survive day by day,” Moore said. “It’s got its good days and its bad days.”

Thursday, February 19, 2009

Winter or Spring

Yesterday morning it snowed and I got jazzed about some white stuff. Of course, the snow quickly turned to rain and drizzle and I spent the day nestled in my house feeling very wintry.
Today started off looking much the same and I was hoping it would do some real snowing. Enough to build a snowman or hit my kids with snowballs. But here it is only four hours from wake-up time and the cold grey morning and the sun is shining and the sky is blue. So I say the heck with snowmen and snowball fights! Bring on the spring flowers and birds chirping. Just make up your mind already.
Now I know why nature is referred to as "Mother"!

Monday, February 16, 2009

365 Feb 11-16

2/16 Our favorite breakfast spot, Tom's Diner. SK is going to spend her day off with a friend, but first eggs and cornbeef hash.

2/15 More bathroom stuff.

2/14 Me and my Valentine on Valentine's Day.

2/13 A crockpot kind of day. (This recipe actually was very good.)

2/12 L played hooky from school and the three of us; L,S, and me, went to the movies and did a little shopping.

2/11 L bought this shirt for her dad.

Friday, February 13, 2009

Facing fifty

This is me at 10. I was hoping to "blossom". You know how everyone says: "Don't worry, one day you'll blossom".

Hi ho. Hi ho. Off to the DMV I go. Or went. I had to renew the driver's license and, because it has been ten years since I've done so, I had to have a new picture taken. If you want to feel real old, have the DMV take your picture and laminate it to a card that you have to show everyone who asks for ID.
My mama says that I just have to adjust to what my older self looks like and stop looking in the mirror and thinking I'm going to see what I saw ten years ago. She says that, but I've seen her about to fight her reflection in a store mirror because she didn't realize 1)it was a reflection and 2) it was herself.

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

365, kinda

S and his new hamster, Dixie. S found his childhood harmonica and stayed up all night playing it.

Pirates with a pirate.

ECU Grandpa

Making waffles in the hotel before The dance audition.

The never ending bathroom project.

My eye has started twitching; the glaucoma eye. I was trying to capture it on film. Haha. And then there is the stuff that is piling up in the kitchen corner that I don't know where to put so I took a picture of it to see how it looks where it is.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

I'm having a crummy day. I don't know why I even bother with this blog. I can't remember why I started it and I'm not funny or insightful or creative. I just whine a whole heck of a lot.

Monday, February 2, 2009

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

In the midst

I'm living on a yo-yo. I max out on S and he plays "nice" and then I ease up and then he stays up all night and flakes out on me and I max out...
He's twenty. He doesn't have a job and his girlfriend's step-dad kicked him out of their house so he can't go back.
We're stuck with him.
How do I get him out of our home?
I don't know what God wants us to do but I know that God is with me in the midst of all this stress, frustration and grief.

Saturday, January 24, 2009

sister act

It's official: I have NO babies or even kids anymore. The youngest turned fourteen and for her birthday, she asked to have her hair colored auburn. Being the with it mom that I am, I said yes. So today she got a new do and her big sis took her shopping and out to dinner, just the two of them. Dad and I went to Lowes for a faucet and picked up take-out Thai for dinner. Whooohooo!


Friday, January 23, 2009

I'm always amazed that God shows up. It's maddening, really, to have lived as long as I have as a christian and still have elementary school faith.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

I can't take anymore...
Probably I can.
Most likely, I have to.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

But the end of all things is at hand; therefore be serious and watchful in your prayers. And above all things have fervent love for one another, for "love will cover a multitude of sins."1 Peter 4: 7-8

365 Days 5-14

Sunday, January 4, 2009