So I've been quite angry and mad and probably more than a little depressed. All the remaining items in my "pit". My little pity pit.
You ever just get sick of the sound of your own voice in your head?
I haven't decided if I'm still sick of it or not.

Me, me, me.

I had permission to use this photo.

The Friday before Easter hubs, the girls and I went up to NYC to see J perform in his improv group. We got to NY early afternoon, checked into our room and prepared to have J show us around his part of town. My eldest daughter turned to me, as I rummaged through my purse trying to find my camera, and said "Don't bring your camera! I don't want pictures of me plastered all over your blog!" I was a tad taken aback. Okay, my feelings were hurt. I defended myself with "I don't just plaster pictures of you all over my blog." The older and the younger sort of made half-hearted attempts to defend me with comments like "well, it's your blog" and "I don't mind if you plaster pictures of ME up on your blog". The lack of enthusiasm for my picture taking persuaded me to leave the camera in the room. Which, I add with some smugness, they were all sorry I did as we saw some things that they all wanted a picture of.
In the heat of the discussion over my camera, L tossed out that I had no life of my own to write about so I used pictures of my kids and wrote about my kids. And someone, maybe it was my husband, said that "well, when you're a mom the kids ARE your life". This remark shot right to the heart of it for me and has smoldered in me for weeks.
I came home and did a review of my blog-which mostly has pictures of my kids plastered all over it. Even my personal struggles centered around my kids and what they are doing. The one thing I was doing for me, the 365 picture a day, has fallen by the wayside due to circumstances with one of my kids.
What the heck.
I saw the movie Marty the other night on TCM. It's the story of a 34 year old bachelor that lives with his widowed mother. He at long last meets a woman and falls in love. In the meantime, his widowed aunt, who is living with her son and his wife and baby, is tossed out of their home for being difficult. She comes to live with Marty's mother and they have a conversation about what's going to happen if Marty gets married. The aunt says something like: I'm 56 years old. I have a lot of life left to give; strong hands to cook and to clean and all I have left are empty rooms. Nobody wants me. What's a mother without children to love?
When it's put like that, it's easy to see how pathetic it is, really, to view myself only as "a mother". Honestly, I didn't realize I was doing that. I think it must be somewhat easier for women who have held onto some part of themselves by working. Perhaps everyone in the family can see that she brings so much more to the family than just strong hands that cook and clean. Or maybe not. The temptation might always be to put your whole heart into your family neglecting to leave a little piece of it for yourself.
So, I have decided to look a little more at myself and what I'm doing and a little less of looking at my offspring and what they're doing. I have a lot of life left to live with strong hands that are dying to do ANYTHING else but cooking and cleaning.

A Popping Sound

There's only so much a girl can take and then comes the eruption of emotion. Look out everybody; get out of the way.
The wayward son is out and as I turn my attention back to my girls, they let loose with their own issues and problems. I confess, I can't quite cope.
I just want some calm. I'm pretty sure that under ordinary circumstances I could cope with the youngest D's and F's and boyfriend that she's not supposed to have. I think I could cope with L's undercover partying and imminent exit from our home to college. As it is, I just hear a popping sound that signals the arrival of my breaking point.

365, not really

I have fallen behind on a picture a day. But...I feel it is too early in the year to give up completely.


My senior girl and her friends leaving on the senior trip. She had a great time and I missed her.

My husband was so ticked at me about the fact that I don't drive my bug as much as I do the van. He was lecturing away and I got out my camara and captured the moment. HAHA!

We picked up pizza for dinner one Sunday night and I thought "Cr*p! I havent' taken a picture today!" TaDAA

My youngest being goofy. I could probably get a picture of her being goofy every day.

Mothering ceased

We had group counseling yesterday; S, hubs and me. S said lots of things that all came around to: I'm trying to change him and I won't let him do what he wants.
Which is true.
Because he wants to do nothing. Maybe not nothing: He wants to stay up all night and sleep all day and party and graffiti up other people's property and then sleep all day and wake up at night to do it again.
He said he didn't get why we care so much. What's it to you what I do? Why can't you leave me alone? He sounds and acts like he did when he was sixteen.
But he's 20, almost 21.
After he announced to us that his plan is to wait until May 15, the date we gave him to move out, to worry about finding a job or a place I said: Thank you, son. I am free to say to you that you are leaving today. I am not living with you one more day.
My mothering for him, ceased. It was that easy.
And that hard.

365 Feb 28-March 6

It reached 70 degrees today so S and his girlfriend ate their dinner outside.

I'm hooked on McDonalds. Not a pretty picture. I stopped there on my way home to make dinner for my hubs.


Trying to look 49 again. Hairdresser claims she "younged" me up a bit. Nice try.


What do you know, It did snow and the young people had two days off school.



Stuck by the train on the way to church. The weatherman wants to promise snow but all we have is rain.


My senior girl has been dealing with a rash for two weeks. Technically, I didn't take this picture but it expresses the week of doctor visits: 3 not counting the dermatologist.

Actions speak louder

I spin around in circles listening to people's advice about S. But every now and then, I have a moment of clarity. Today was one of those days and in talking with my husband, he's had his moment of clarity, too.
Sunday I wasn't feeling well and decided to leave with S after church instead of staying for class after. S and I had quite the conversation where he said so many of the right things and I just listened and thought that maybe something's getting in. Pretty much since then he's continued to stay up all night and lay around all day unless I wake him up and tell him something to do. After the conversation on Sunday, I expected at least a minimal attempt to do something different-or did I?
Anyway. I heard him go out this morning at 4:30 am and I found an empty tequila bottle in the bathroom under the sink and he was wearing the same clothes since Monday and was asleep on the couch when he got a phone call. The phone call was from a girl that he promised he'd give a ride to work to in exchange for her recommending him for busboy or something.
S doesn't have a car. We let him use our van. Unfortunately for S and his friend, L has the van because her car is in the shop, something S didn't know because he just assumed he could use our car whenever the mood strikes. And as he stood there in front of me in his nasty clothes with his bloodshot eyes telling me he was going to go look for a job except he forgot L was going to have the van-I had the moment of seeing ourselves loud and clear.
I said, and it is quite unchristian, "Bullshit. You are full of it. You say all the right things in just the right way but you should know; I may look like it's convincing me of something but what I am really doing is watching what you are doing. I'm really saying to myself 'here he goes again with the bullshit'. And I'm convinced more and more that what you say is crap because you don't DO anything different.".
The time has come, even though it breaks my heart AGAIN, that he has to leave. I called my husband and told him that S has to do something different or he's out at 21which is May 13. My husband said that he had come to a conclusion and that was that S had had since October to redo and he hasn't redone. He's only talked about redoing so my husband is going to tell him he's moving out on his birthday regardless of what he's doing and especially, regardless of what he's saying. My husband said that it was time that we spoke with our actions because just like what S has been saying to us is meaningless, apparently what we've been saying to him is meaningless as well.
It really doesn't matter anymore how much we love him.