mini meltdown

uhh. I saw the glaucoma doc again today. The drops aren't working and I have to switch to some new ones. She did the visual field test and I have a blind spot in my left eye. She also showed me the photos of my optic nerves; the right eye being healthy and the left eye...not.
So I'm doing okay with this I think and then I get the new medicine, some kind of beta-blocker and I'm reading the precautions which include: You may need to stop taking this medication a few days before surgery. This warning brings to mind that the results from my unpleasant test at the gyn's merits a minor surgery to rule out anything more serious. I've never had to be put to sleep before. I don't want any kind of surgery, minor or otherwise and I've successfully put it out of my mind until this label on the eye drops insert.
I called my mama and boohooed.
I feel better.

Going down to NC and visit daddy in the hospital in Greenville. He had a double by-pass on Wednesday after a mild heart attack on Saturday night. Of course, he waited until late Sunday afternoon to tell his wife that he thought something had "gone wrong" the night before. He's stubborn about going to the doctor; I've inherited some of his fears so even though he frustrates me about it, I understand. For now, the doctors say he's recovering well.
L doesn't want to go with us. She's going to miss seeing her friends. I believe this is a choice she has to make herself and so she told me she was going to spend the night with her friend while we were gone. I told her I was disappointed. Grandpa is family and is facing the end of his days. We have fewer and fewer times with him but ultimately, she has to live with her decision.
S, who is without a job and has the time to come with us, can't because his girlfriend won't drive herself into DC to her job and the train doesn't run on the weekend and her parents are out of town so he has to drive her. J hasn't been able to find time to call him. SK is still young enough to do as we say.
All of it makes me wonder what my grandchildren will feel about visiting me when I'm sick, or well for that matter. I don't want to be a parent that stops investing in my family as they grow up and into their own lives. I pray I can be a blessing to my grandchildren and someone they want to be with.

The Invisible Woman

It's time to order graduation announcements. I'm trying to adjust my vision from the little bit of a girl she was to the young woman she's become.

This picture was taken a few months ago on a bright day for S; he had enrolled in school, had a new job and his dad had bought him this car. My heart was hopeful for him.
Since then, he's totaled the car, dropped out of school and yesterday, was fired from his job. I'm trying hard to have hope for him but my heart knows that he has a larger problem that can't be fixed until he admits to it. I can't let myself think about how long, if ever, that might take. I take it day by day. Thankful for each day the Lord lets him live, praying that this day will be the day he comes to his senses.

Get ready. We're going somewhere.

Bible study is underway. I'm doing a Precepts class on the book of Philippians. Today was a wham on the top of my head. Kay Arthur talked about how Paul could endure imprisonment because he understood that it furthered the gospel and his goal in life was to that end. She spoke about how many Christians today fight with their circumstances and have regrets over their past because they don't grasp the sovereignty of God over their lives. Their goal as Christians is not about furthering the gospel. Their Christianity is about what God can do for them to make their life better.
I certainly have spent a lot of time fighting my circumstances. I've wanted God to make things right and have not trusted that He is using the wrongness of my situation to work according to His plan. I've regretted things I've done and things I haven't instead of releasing those regrets to God and allowing Him to change me.
It reminds me of when my children were small and I would tell them to Go get ready, we're going somewhere. They never wanted to go. They would dally and sometimes just plain throw a fit that I was interrupting their activities. It didn't matter that we were going for a treat or a trip to the park. They just didn't want to put on their shoes and sit strapped in their car seats. They couldn't appreciate the destination because of the journey.
I suspect that when I see the Lord and the wonders of eternity I will marvel at myself that I resisted the trials and troubles that God used to bring me there. He has promised no more tears or sorrows. What a magnificent place that must be! Why do I throw a fit and refuse to put on my shoes?