I'm so glad that bible study has started again. It helps me stay focused. We are doing Beth Moore's study Breaking Free. I have a sort of odd anticipation/anxiety thing going about it. I left today after the introduction feeling up and determined about life.
And then I got reminded what a self-centered idiot I can be.
Susan came home from school and flopped on the sofa. She has ballet today and when I asked her if she was going she said "No, I don't feel well." It frustrated me. Extra ballet on top of the other dancing she does is a splurge. I don't mind paying for it when she goes, but lately, she's found lots of excuses not to go. I didn't miss a beat nor let the opportunity pass to blast her about it. And then she let me have it: Dance didn't go well last night and I was too busy watching tv to ask her about it. She has cramps and I hurt her feelings because I commented on her weight. (which I did, and Why, for Pete's sake had I done that?!) Not knowing what to say to all that, I just left and went to the grocery store.
When I came back, she was still here. In the mail was her DanceSpirit magazine and so I leaned on Him, and went up to her room. I apologized and gave her her magazine. I asked her what happened at dance. They got yelled at and told that not a one of them, except C, could dance; girls were yakking and not paying attention. She got so frustrated, she cried. (something she would rather die than do in front of people). She doesn't think she's good enough to get into a dance school.
I feel so helpless. It hurts to watch her doubt herself and know that she won't get honest criticism from the teachers at her studio. She works hard and that hard work goes unnoticed among the chaos that exists there. Encouragement is nonexistant. And I don't know. I don't know if she's good enough because when I watch her dance, I see her with my mother's heart.
I understand what it is to want something so badly and doubt yourself so much that you give up before you try. I don't want her to do that. I want her to try and know because the "what if's" can hold you down for such a long time. It may be that God is going to take her down a different road but before He does, He has to close the door to her dreams. Either way, this is something that's between her and the Lord. I need Him to help me help her the way He wants me to help her because left to my own devices, I'm incompetant.