Tuesday, February 5, 2008

Highs and lows

I'm so glad that bible study has started again. It helps me stay focused. We are doing Beth Moore's study Breaking Free. I have a sort of odd anticipation/anxiety thing going about it. I left today after the introduction feeling up and determined about life.
And then I got reminded what a self-centered idiot I can be.
Susan came home from school and flopped on the sofa. She has ballet today and when I asked her if she was going she said "No, I don't feel well." It frustrated me. Extra ballet on top of the other dancing she does is a splurge. I don't mind paying for it when she goes, but lately, she's found lots of excuses not to go. I didn't miss a beat nor let the opportunity pass to blast her about it. And then she let me have it: Dance didn't go well last night and I was too busy watching tv to ask her about it. She has cramps and I hurt her feelings because I commented on her weight. (which I did, and Why, for Pete's sake had I done that?!) Not knowing what to say to all that, I just left and went to the grocery store.
When I came back, she was still here. In the mail was her DanceSpirit magazine and so I leaned on Him, and went up to her room. I apologized and gave her her magazine. I asked her what happened at dance. They got yelled at and told that not a one of them, except C, could dance; girls were yakking and not paying attention. She got so frustrated, she cried. (something she would rather die than do in front of people). She doesn't think she's good enough to get into a dance school.
I feel so helpless. It hurts to watch her doubt herself and know that she won't get honest criticism from the teachers at her studio. She works hard and that hard work goes unnoticed among the chaos that exists there. Encouragement is nonexistant. And I don't know. I don't know if she's good enough because when I watch her dance, I see her with my mother's heart.
I understand what it is to want something so badly and doubt yourself so much that you give up before you try. I don't want her to do that. I want her to try and know because the "what if's" can hold you down for such a long time. It may be that God is going to take her down a different road but before He does, He has to close the door to her dreams. Either way, this is something that's between her and the Lord. I need Him to help me help her the way He wants me to help her because left to my own devices, I'm incompetant.


Mari Fontana said...

I found your blog from heknowsmyname. It can be so hard to watch a loved one hurt.
You have a beautiful family.
In His Grace alone,

Susan said...

So true. I love that you recognize that you are incompetent but He is not! Oh that is such a difficult thing for me to remember and actually do! I pray that your sweet Darling also recognizes that she needs to lean on Him and ask Him what she is to do.

nancygrayce said...

Oh, I think when our kids hurt, we hurt right along with them. But, "we" mothers also want to control so much and really we never have control! We have some ability to direct, but only God can control....you see, I am the expert on trying to control things...it always comes out bad! Your daughter will be so glad you came back and talked to her.

He Knows My Name said...

i hate that i just typed a long comment and i lost it. so here goes maybe i was supposed to type the short version. i just wanted to encourage you. breaking free will lift you up. we are such imperfect creatures. i amen everything nancy said from top to bottom. hang in there. much love ~janel

Fran said...

I'm praying for you to have insight and wisdom that can only come from Him....He'll give you all that you need to help her. You encourage the fire out of her.

Your a great momma. We all mess up every single day. We just do.
But you are a great woman after God and He will hold you up.

Keep praying and seeking!

Susan said...

Well, Kathy, I am sure I will be sharing with you the continuing woes with my girl. Like you, I can't help but feel like a failure (or at least parenting challenged!) at times when it comes to this parenting thing. It is the hardest thing EV-ER. I'm still not speaking to my mom because she never told me how hard it could be!

Bev Brandon said...

I just love how you deal with the interior of your heart. Ooohh! Had a somewhat similar story this week with my 16 year old where their whole season came down to one basketball play with 2 seconds left and he missed the layup and they were knocked out of the playoffs cause of it----what's a mom to do? Again, I just love that you talked about the fray of your own heart.