Realization time is almost upon us.  L has been dancing daily, going to community college, and hanging out with her boyfriend.  Our lives are suspended for the moment wondering what will be happening in the spring.  When she left school to transfer, she was 100 percent sure she wanted to pursue dance but as she's waited and prepared for these auditions, I see her confidence lag.

We're both taking deep breathes and knowing that God will be in her excitement or her disappointment.

I confess:  I was not intending to see a rheumatologist about my neck and feet pain.  But, my doctor's office called and said  "Your sonograms were normal but your neck x-ray showed mild arthritis and bone spurs.  You are following up with a rheumatologist, correct?"

And I said "Ding dang it!" 

What I really said was 'yes' and then made my appointment.

Looks like forty was my peak year and for the last eleven,  I've been heading down the other side of the hill.

A Winner

My son was waiting out on the front porch yesterday when my daughter and I returned home at 4 pm from a girls' day out.   He had been sitting there since 12:30.  He was ticked off because his phone was cut off.

We had an agreement.  I bought him  a CricKet phone in August and paid his first month's usage because-the official reason- he was getting set up in his own place. (The more accurate reason is that I'm an idiot.)  He was going to get his ducks in a row and then pay his own phone bill: $45 dollars monthly for unlimited text and talk.

Yesterday was October 12.  The bill is due on the 7th of each month.  He wanted to know why his phone was cut off and why his bill said he owed a hundred and seven dollars.  Let me say that he came to dinner three or four times in late August and played the good son and I paid his phone bill in September.  I looked up his bill on line and explained how this was OCTOBER and I had paid his bill in SEPTEMBER which was LAST month and he needed to pay for OCTOBER to get his phone turned back on and they were also indicating that he would owe money for NOVEMBER.  I said that I would pay over the phone FOR him and he would have phone service within thirty minutes.  He said "Ok!  I get paid on Friday".

HAHAHAHA!

Lest I sound cold hearted I must explain that 2 weeks ago, S came around and whined about how hard it is to make ends meet working at Target.  He just doesn't make enough money.  He left his bills here, lying on the floor instead of taking them with him and they indicate that the bank has closed his account and he owes them 96 dollars for an overdraft.  He owes Progressive for car insurance, the last installment, and so he is driving around without car insurance.  He also owes his landlord 500 dollars for the month's rent.  I'm not a math genius but his pay stubs indicate he makes roughly 1200 dollars a month-if he bothers to work all the available hours.

A day after these financial revelations, he texted me to tell me he had stuff stolen out of his car.  The driver's side window wouldn't roll up.  He chose not to put it up and leave it up because he has to be able to smoke, doesn't he?  So he left his car in the parking lot at work with the window rolled down. 

Texting is a tricky thing.  Sometimes you text someone something not intended for them and poor old S texted his mom something intended for his friend:  All my pot and my grinder bowl and my gun got stolen.

Come on, Ma.  How many times are you going to let him convince you that this time he's figured it out and he's really trying hard to get it together and by the way could you help me out? 

One less time, anyway.   He wanted me to pay to have his phone turned back on and he would pay me back on Friday.  And I said  "No."   I need 45 dollars.  Now.   Turns out he had 46, but paying by phone has a two dollar charge.  I told him he should go to the CricKet store and pay.  They only take cash and there's no fee and they return your service within 30 minutes.  He snatched up his money, huffed out and slammed the door.

While I was away for the weekend last week, S came to the house and hung around with his dad.  S showed him a budget that said he made about 600 dollars a month.  So his dad payed to fix his window and told him that he'd pay his car insurance.  I gave my husband my information:  I've seen his pay stubs and he makes more than that.  My husband said not to worry that he had left the assistance up to S.  He has to contact the bank and get his fine paid so he has a way to pay his bills when he can't use cash and he has to contact Progressive and find out how much it'll cost to get his car insurance reinstated.  Then he has to come to his dad and let him know that he's taken care of it and how much it's going to be.   And guess what:  He hasn't done it. 

The boy's a real winner.

FibroWHAT?

So now I have muscle and joint pain that my doctor, very sweetly and calmly, explained to me is most likely fibromyalgia.   She ordered some blood tests  just to make sure it isn't anything else and assured me repeatedly that fibromyalgia can be treated and managed.

I looked up fibromyalgia on the internet.  It apparently is the diagnoses you get when the docs can't find anything else causing your symptoms.  I, on the other hand, think that I know what is causing my symptoms:  my son who is driving around without car insurance, smoking pot and refusing to grow up; my daughter who is freaking out about auditioning and her future and what to do with her boyfriend; my oldest son who rejects God and wants to be in comedy and is living in LA with no job; and my husband who needs constant tlc.  All add up to not only literal pains in the neck but pains in the feet and legs, too.

Happy birthday, Daddy

Daddy would be 80 today.  I hope he's having a big heavenly party.

I'm feeling like a chemical experiment.  Sweat randomly beads up on my upper lip and pools in the small of my back.  I think my inside wants to come out and beat up my outside.

Every little thing feels...monumental.  I'm incredibly angry and trying to manage it is taking superhuman effort I don't currently posess.  I need my family to move out of my house.

UGH.

Enabling

On a Friday afternoon at the end of April, I drove down to school and picked up my oldest daughter from her first year of college. I stayed through the weekend. She wasn't getting along with her friends. She hated the changes in the program for next term. By Monday she had decided she wasn't going back next year.

We let her make that decision. But today I realized that I haven't allowed her to deal with the consequences of it. I've been too busy scheduling visits to other schools and finding her SAT scores and applying for a copy of her social security card because she doesn't know where her original is.

We drove to the community college today, where she plans to take some classes in the fall until she can audition for other schools. We drove there to give them her ss number so she can apply online. She didn't bring her photo id with her. And she said "It's no big deal. We'll just go home and get it and I'll come back tomorrow."

And there I sat, the big dumb ma. Running around and fretting and pushing and helping myself to death. My wasted time is no. big. deal.

Haven't these years with my son taught me anything? I can't care about the consequences for her. And I'm tired of being the dumping ground when things don't go how she wants them.

I feel like the great enabler when what I want to be is an encourager. Do I communicate to my offspring that they can't do anything for themselves? My husband says that she's just been refusing to step up to the plate. Partly because she's depressed over how things turned out at her first school. And partly because now her life is on hold again. He feels we have to push, maybe even push her over, in order to get her up and moving in the new direction.

I guess I needed to get pushed over, too, in order to realize that I need to back off.