Tuesday, June 1, 2010

My second born son is staying here again. It was to be for a few days when he called on my anniversary needing a place to stay. His girlfriend broke up with him and kicked him out of her house. Why couldn't I say "Too bad"? My husband has extended the couple of days to June 9, the day before we leave for vacation.

It is so difficult for me to have him here. When he isn't living here, I can hope that he's getting himself together. When he is living here, hope dies again.

It isn't even as if he spends any real time at our house. If he isn't at work, he's out partying. I hear the door at 4 am and then again at 4:08 as he comes in long enough to put on his work clothes and then leave for work. He gets off at 12:30 pm and goes straight to "a friend's" house to "sleep". His days off, he's over at "a friend's". When we ask him if he's found a room, he says that he's been talking A LOT with his friend about moving to Richmond.

He will only start looking for a room on June 9Th.

I wish I didn't care. How do you stop caring? How do you stop seeing bleary eyes and a raw nose? It isn't fair that I feel the pain of his self destruction while he lives oblivious to everything and everyone.

I have to put the hurt somewhere so I am putting it here. If I talk with my husband, he gets angry. He's sick of hearing me grieve aloud about it. He says I punish him for what our son is or isn't doing. If I want to stay married I must stop talking about our son.

I hate when my husband asks me what the matter is. I want to tear my clothes and scream and let out the constant living grief. I want to tell him that something is and always will be the matter as long as my son is an addict. I want to grab my son and pound the madness out of him. I want to open my eyes to sunlight that signals the end of the nightmare. I want people to stop telling me he's a "good kid" and everything is going to work out OK because they don't know anything else to say. I want them to stop asking me how he is because I'm sick of the look on their faces when I tell them how he really is. I want God to reach down from heaven and DO something.

I am going to be OK as soon as he's out of my home and if his dad doesn't put him out, I will.

I just have to make it to June 9.


Susan said...

Well. I won't tell you it will be OK or that he's a good kid. And I won't ask how HE is or how HE is doing. I'm more concerned about YOU. It infuriates me that our rebel/lost children cannot see/don't care to see what they are doing to those around them. Yes, their moms, but also their dads, their siblings, those that have loved them all their lives. People look at me as if I'm insane when I tell them it is just easier when she is not home. Mostly because when someone asks about her, I can just say, "I don't really know" and leave it at that. It's not that I don't think about her and what she is doing and who she is with NONSTOP when she doesn't come home or call for days on end. I do. And I cry. And I grieve. I don't know how we got to this stage. I don't know what to do at this stage. I don't know what the next stage will be or when it will be. But I do know one thing. Your boy and my girl have not been forsaken by God. I cling to that every single minute of every single day. I have to. It's the only way I can get thru the day. And especially the night. The nights when all I can do is cry out to Him, begging Him to keep her from physical harm.

I am praying for you. I promise I am. And I am praying for that boy of yours.


nancygrayce said...

I'm just so glad to see you back on he blog!

And I'll tell you honestly that he may not be o.k. for a long long time and first he may have to suffer consequences that will have a profound effect on you too because he's your child.

It wasn't until I told my son no more and really, really meant it that he at least got the picture that I wasn't going to be part of his madness. Now remember my son will be 40 in August.

He is currently on a program called drug court, required to go to AA, NA and to have random urinalysis. He's freely admits that he doesn't like being sober. So when he's off this program I don't know what will happen.

I know EXACTLY what you mean when you say it isn't as hard when he's out of the house. If my son were in my house, I think I might move out!

One of the reasons your husband probably doesn't want to talk about it is as a man, he feels he should be able to solve it and since he can't he feels like there is not use talking.

PLEASE hang in there. God is at work even if you can't see it!

If you can get him out, get him out.....then work overtime hardening your heart. Don't scream and yell, just calmly say "I'm not interested in sharing this lifestyle with you anymore" Then mean it. I know you may think this sounds easy, believe me when I say I know it's not. I've lived it....but until he knows you won't help, he has no incentive to stop.

Love in Christ.