| I am a |
Monday, March 31, 2008
Sunday, March 30, 2008
I've wandered off the blogging trail.
It isn't like me not to write about the stressful things going on in my life but I have found, unlike in my more private journaling, that I feel I should have a sense of completion about an issue or event before I put it "out there". Most things I feel pressed to write about are not complete or even very nice. In a journal, I can just scratch down the raw emotion, both the good and the ugly, with no thought of how it is perceived by anyone. I'm not a particularly adept or interesting writer and I find it difficult to write with an eye for a reader. I've discovered that writing has often been just a sort of therapy for me. Blogging has made it something else-more a form of conversation than a dumping ground for my emotions. It's a good thing, I think, because it forces me to add a perspective to what I'm feeling that I otherwise would ignore. The down side is, I often have to give things a lot of time before I'm able to view them with a proper perspective.
It isn't like me not to write about the stressful things going on in my life but I have found, unlike in my more private journaling, that I feel I should have a sense of completion about an issue or event before I put it "out there". Most things I feel pressed to write about are not complete or even very nice. In a journal, I can just scratch down the raw emotion, both the good and the ugly, with no thought of how it is perceived by anyone. I'm not a particularly adept or interesting writer and I find it difficult to write with an eye for a reader. I've discovered that writing has often been just a sort of therapy for me. Blogging has made it something else-more a form of conversation than a dumping ground for my emotions. It's a good thing, I think, because it forces me to add a perspective to what I'm feeling that I otherwise would ignore. The down side is, I often have to give things a lot of time before I'm able to view them with a proper perspective.
Monday, March 3, 2008
CSN Reports: Road Trip Rampage
This is a video my oldest son made. He is the narrator and also plays the "hillbilly".
Thursday, February 28, 2008
49er
My birthday was yesterday and it was...glorious. I don't usually say such things about the anniversary of my birth. Usually, I'm just pretending that I'm a good Christian girl and can hardly wait to die and get to heaven and so What's one more birthday?
Yesterday was not extravagant or perfect in the things we did. Some things were necessities like banking and parenting. Some things were painful like my daddy not doing well and parenting. But at the end of the day, the oldest had called and said Happy Birthday and I love you. Edmund gave me a card in which he wrote that it gave him peace to know I loved him no matter what he did. The girls gave me cards and kisses that said I love you, mom. And hubby loved me, too.
I just felt loved by the ones I love and this, for me, is a gift from God.
I can only glance in the mirror these days. I don't know what to make of my physically older self. I haven't taken very good care of her and it shows. But I'm beginning to hope that the inside me is coming along on the journey of life.
Yesterday was not extravagant or perfect in the things we did. Some things were necessities like banking and parenting. Some things were painful like my daddy not doing well and parenting. But at the end of the day, the oldest had called and said Happy Birthday and I love you. Edmund gave me a card in which he wrote that it gave him peace to know I loved him no matter what he did. The girls gave me cards and kisses that said I love you, mom. And hubby loved me, too.
I just felt loved by the ones I love and this, for me, is a gift from God.
I can only glance in the mirror these days. I don't know what to make of my physically older self. I haven't taken very good care of her and it shows. But I'm beginning to hope that the inside me is coming along on the journey of life.
Thursday, February 21, 2008
Secrets, Lies and pits
Some things have me captive that I thought I was free of.
I have a stepmother that came into my life when I was 19, only a few months after my parent's divorced. The whole of the situation is and has been overwhelming to me and so I have just said "It doesn't matter" and told myself that my feelings on the deal aren't important. For 27 years I've squashed down the anger and hurt and said that I forgive them to myself and all sorts of stuff that apparently haven't been very effective.
Because today I feel overwhelmed by it all again. Daddy had a heart attack last night while in the hospital for some tests. This family emergency reveals all of the stress points and upsets that we've (my two brothers) held onto.
I'm angry at my daddy. Growing up, I was a good student and he would promise me monetary rewards for all A's. The A's came but not the rewards. He didn't really expect me to get all A's. I just swallowed the disappointment and produced the A's. When it came time to go to college, I was to have my real reward. "You are a smart girl. We'll send you to college anywhere you want to go." And I believed him. The worst part was that he was angry that I believed him. "Look around you," he said, "does it look like we have the money to send you to college?"
My English teacher told me about financial aide. My mom helped me apply and I got student loans to fund my first year at ECU. My mom sent me a little spending money the first year, but by the second, she had left and I had to reapply for financial aide based on my new circumstances. Daddy wasn't too happy about having to fill in his personal finances, but he did it and I got loans and workstudy to pay for the remainder of my time there. There was never any money from my daddy. I worked summers and used the money I saved for spending money throughout the year.
My stepmother's part in all this, to be honest, is unknowing. My daddy needed money for the divorce settlement and to get it, he told my stepmother he was using the money to send me to college. For a very long time, neither of us was aware. Then four years ago, my oldest went off to college. Of course, talk turned to the expense and my stepmother began to say how the sacrifice was worth it and they never regretted the money they spent on my education. At first, I said nothing. I just stewed and boiled at the gall of her trying take credit for something she didn't do.
And then on a visit home, daddy walked outside with me and asked me a favor. He pulled out of his pocket a roll of 100 dollar bills and asked "How much did it cost you to go to school?" I told him I honestly didn't remember and all the while I'm stunned and trying to process what he's saying to me. "How about six thousand dollars?" and he counted it out and gave it to me. "When she says we paid for your school, now you can say we did and it'll be true."
I gave the money to the building fund at our church.
But it doesn't stop there because a lie never does just a little damage. My brothers have always thought that I had it made because daddy sent me to college. I told them over and over that I had taken out loans and paid for it myself but somehow that didn't register or maybe they just thought I was the one lying. I told the oldest brother (I'm the oldest child and only girl) about daddy giving me the six thousand dollars "hush" money and he was silent for a moment. Then he said that daddy had always said to him "I had money for one to go and that one isn't you". Wasn't anybody listening when I said HE DIDN'T?
And my daddy doesn't care what this does to me or how it hurts me. He just doesn't want his wife to find out he used her money to pay off his ex.
I thought I'd forgiven him when I gave the money to the church but my husband points out that I haven't gone down to see them since. When they come here, I have very little to say in the face of my stepmother's implications that I'm spoiled and ungrateful.
There are so many other pieces to this situation but this lie is the key piece. My stepmother has expectations for how often I should call and talk to my daddy and how often I should come see my daddy. She lets me know that I'm not meeting the quota. I'm not a good daughter by her estimation. I think her concern ought to be for what kind of parent has my daddy been? What has she done to encourage him in his relationship with me? Why not say "Honey, call your daughter. I'm sure she'd love to hear from you"? I don't feel that I owe her anything and she thinks that I owe her, at the very least, my college education.
I wasn't going to go to North Carolina to sit around in the lobby with my stepmother. But I want out of the pit. So.
I was praying about it last night before falling asleep and this morning as I lay in bed in the time just before being awake, the Lord said " I was sick and you visited me".
I began to ask myself why is it that you don't want to go? God made it all clear. I sought the Lord in my distress and He answered me. I'm going to trust Him with the rest. We are going to see daddy next weekend and having made that decision, whatever else happens is in God's hands.
I have a stepmother that came into my life when I was 19, only a few months after my parent's divorced. The whole of the situation is and has been overwhelming to me and so I have just said "It doesn't matter" and told myself that my feelings on the deal aren't important. For 27 years I've squashed down the anger and hurt and said that I forgive them to myself and all sorts of stuff that apparently haven't been very effective.
Because today I feel overwhelmed by it all again. Daddy had a heart attack last night while in the hospital for some tests. This family emergency reveals all of the stress points and upsets that we've (my two brothers) held onto.
I'm angry at my daddy. Growing up, I was a good student and he would promise me monetary rewards for all A's. The A's came but not the rewards. He didn't really expect me to get all A's. I just swallowed the disappointment and produced the A's. When it came time to go to college, I was to have my real reward. "You are a smart girl. We'll send you to college anywhere you want to go." And I believed him. The worst part was that he was angry that I believed him. "Look around you," he said, "does it look like we have the money to send you to college?"
My English teacher told me about financial aide. My mom helped me apply and I got student loans to fund my first year at ECU. My mom sent me a little spending money the first year, but by the second, she had left and I had to reapply for financial aide based on my new circumstances. Daddy wasn't too happy about having to fill in his personal finances, but he did it and I got loans and workstudy to pay for the remainder of my time there. There was never any money from my daddy. I worked summers and used the money I saved for spending money throughout the year.
My stepmother's part in all this, to be honest, is unknowing. My daddy needed money for the divorce settlement and to get it, he told my stepmother he was using the money to send me to college. For a very long time, neither of us was aware. Then four years ago, my oldest went off to college. Of course, talk turned to the expense and my stepmother began to say how the sacrifice was worth it and they never regretted the money they spent on my education. At first, I said nothing. I just stewed and boiled at the gall of her trying take credit for something she didn't do.
And then on a visit home, daddy walked outside with me and asked me a favor. He pulled out of his pocket a roll of 100 dollar bills and asked "How much did it cost you to go to school?" I told him I honestly didn't remember and all the while I'm stunned and trying to process what he's saying to me. "How about six thousand dollars?" and he counted it out and gave it to me. "When she says we paid for your school, now you can say we did and it'll be true."
I gave the money to the building fund at our church.
But it doesn't stop there because a lie never does just a little damage. My brothers have always thought that I had it made because daddy sent me to college. I told them over and over that I had taken out loans and paid for it myself but somehow that didn't register or maybe they just thought I was the one lying. I told the oldest brother (I'm the oldest child and only girl) about daddy giving me the six thousand dollars "hush" money and he was silent for a moment. Then he said that daddy had always said to him "I had money for one to go and that one isn't you". Wasn't anybody listening when I said HE DIDN'T?
And my daddy doesn't care what this does to me or how it hurts me. He just doesn't want his wife to find out he used her money to pay off his ex.
I thought I'd forgiven him when I gave the money to the church but my husband points out that I haven't gone down to see them since. When they come here, I have very little to say in the face of my stepmother's implications that I'm spoiled and ungrateful.
There are so many other pieces to this situation but this lie is the key piece. My stepmother has expectations for how often I should call and talk to my daddy and how often I should come see my daddy. She lets me know that I'm not meeting the quota. I'm not a good daughter by her estimation. I think her concern ought to be for what kind of parent has my daddy been? What has she done to encourage him in his relationship with me? Why not say "Honey, call your daughter. I'm sure she'd love to hear from you"? I don't feel that I owe her anything and she thinks that I owe her, at the very least, my college education.
I wasn't going to go to North Carolina to sit around in the lobby with my stepmother. But I want out of the pit. So.
I was praying about it last night before falling asleep and this morning as I lay in bed in the time just before being awake, the Lord said " I was sick and you visited me".
I began to ask myself why is it that you don't want to go? God made it all clear. I sought the Lord in my distress and He answered me. I'm going to trust Him with the rest. We are going to see daddy next weekend and having made that decision, whatever else happens is in God's hands.
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