I did not realize how long it had been since I had posted to my blog.  My life was overwhelming me, dragging me along the bottom as it sped off to who knew where.  God has slowed the vehicle and helped me to catch up. I am learning to not be in control, to trust that He is. I know where I am going and what God requires of me and I am beginning to want what He wants for me and my family.

S announced that he is going to Bolivia for two months with his 17 year old Bolivian girlfriend.  This makes me laugh out loud for several reasons.
Reason number one:  He lost his passport months ago; never reported it lost and has a ton of stuff to do in order to get a new one. Also they are supposedly leaving the first of May and it will take a lot of effort, time and money to have a passport by then.
Reason number two: It costs money to travel.  Although, I believe that his girlfriend, who is going to nursing school and works, is offering to pay for his airfare. He's been fired from Target and works as a waiter at a family restaurant.
Reason number three:  Apparently, smokers are frowned upon in Bolivia and she has asked him to stop.
Reason number four:  It takes planning and thought to travel.  He doesn't practice either.

I keep these reasons to myself.   I find I am hoping he actually goes to Bolivia.

My last little chick driving at last.  I remember saying to my husband "I can't do another baby."  His reply was "She won't be a baby for long."  

I've had a revelation.  I'm one of those people with "forgotten memories" or whatever they're called.  It's frightening and unnerving and since recovering these childhood memories, I've been in somewhat of a panic as to what else I've hidden away in my brain.  What else is staring me right in the face that I am overlooking?

What do I do with all this anger?

My daddy's second wife never made it a secret that she did not care for me.  Over the years, I struggled to find common ground or make a way to have some kind of relationship with her.  I encouraged my children to have a good relationship with her.  And then somewhere over the years I just quit.  At best, she tolerated me and I gave up caring. 

 The last few years before he died, when his health was bad and he was in a wheelchair and depended completely upon her for his care, were the worst years.  She humiliated him in front of us by checking his pants to see if he had "messed".  She reported to anyone who would listen, posting it on facebook, how many times he had an accident and how often she was having to clean him up.  She attempted to expose his backside so she could show his sores.  Daddy told me to leave it alone; don't say anything or "she'll make me pay".  Keeping his request to remain silent was one of the most difficult parts of it. 

Listening to her attempts to confuse him and manipulate his feeling about his children was another.  She told him many times that we weren't visiting him and we didn't care about him.  Several people told me I was lucky to have someone take care of him, as if I didn't want to do it, as if her assertions that I didn't love him were correct.  I lived five hours away and had two girls in school and even if I could have gotten time to get away, she would have none of it.  She griped and complained that we wouldn't help. NOBODY will help and yet she refused the help we offered.  My niece offered to come and help and she accused her of wanting her house.  We offered to pay for a nurse and she was insulted.  What she wanted was for daddy to will her his little rambler and the 30 acres of dirt it sits on.  She wanted him to think that she alone deserved it because she alone loved and cared for him.  

He left her a life estate.

When he was dead, she rid the house of all his belongings and proceeded to Internet date.  She gave 100,000 dollars to a man in Arizona because she thought he was going to marry her and give her a million dollar house to live in. When that was revealed to be a scam, she moved on to local Internet dating and has landed herself a widow from her hometown, who's also in a wheelchair.

I just need to tell her 29 years of pent up anger and frustration.  I need to say "STOP what you are doing and saying and STOP lying about me and my family and GET OUT of our house and STOP calling yourself by my daddy's last name you hateful, nasty, bitter woman!"

I feel better.

Four children is a lot of emotion and energy to keep up with.  I don't often feel up to the task.

The oldest called today from California.  His computer crashed and he owes 2500 dollars in taxes.  Audition after audition leads to a big fat zero and, as he puts it, he's not having any FUN.  How did I communicate that life was going to be fun?

I spent Friday helping S move.  It's not good for me to see firsthand how he lives.  But on the bright side, if there is one, his new girlfriend helped him pack up and she also helped him find this new room-in-a-basement.  Hurrah for the new girlfriend.

L is having a hard time with the loss of her boyfriend's father.  He had been her Sunday school teacher and she had respected and admired him.  She was home this weekend to visit and was put out with her beau because he invited his buddy along on their movie date.  Granted, it was to see Star Wars Episode 1.  The beau continually makes the mistake of putting his buddy before his girl.

The youngest is standing by to cause chaos when her moment arrives.

My daughter's boyfriend's dad died this week.  He had pancreatic cancer.

His sickness began at the same tender time they began to date and it's dark presence has been between them the year and a half they've been together.  She has born up under her boyfriend's inability to include her in his family.  He has kept her at a distance from them, even as he has jumped into ours.  We are even further out of  the circle, so much so that our presence at their home now would be intrusive.

It is so painful to be on the periphery of such a great loss; to care and to pray and to hope and to grieve with someone from a distance.