DaybyDay

2012-01-19T18:44:00.000-05:00

My daughter's boyfriend's dad died this week. He had pancreatic cancer.

His sickness began at the same tender time they began to date and it's dark presence has been between them the year and a half they've been together. She has born up under her boyfriend's inability to include her in his family. He has kept her at a distance from them, even as he has jumped into ours. We are even further out of the circle, so much so that our presence at their home now would be intrusive.

It is so painful to be on the periphery of such a great loss; to care and to pray and to hope and to grieve with someone from a distance.

2012-01-16T13:31:00.000-05:00

http://youtu.be/-H_BwyiwbB4

My oldest son is the guy in this commercial. He made it over a year ago and it just now is playing in my area. So wild to see his face pop up during the Caps game or during the morning news.
He's finally gotten himself a couple of jobs and can get by financially on his own. All he needs now is persistence, patience, and a big break.

2012-01-15T22:24:00.001-05:00

     The last few years I've come to appreciate that my New Year resolutions fail because they are proclamations of what I am going to attempt to do all by myself, in my own strength. They last about a flat minute.
       This year, I've asked God to show me where He desires me to go with Him. The answer appears to be this: Do the work. No matter my mood or my feelings or circumstances, show up and do the work: the work of prayer, of care for my family and friends, of doing what has to be done to manage my health and my home and my gifts.
        In the place of my usual overzealous pounce on a list of resolutions that I quickly lose steam over, I feel a budding of inner strength and peace. We will make progress this year, God and I together.

2011-11-28T18:40:00.000-05:00

Blur and whirl of days. I've been putting one foot in front of the other and dragging myself back to bible study. I took a break after daddy died; I just didn't want to be around people. I'm an old curmudgeon, I think.
Coming back to daily study after a hiatus has been like coming out of the shade into the sunshine. It was pleasant enough in the shade, but I hadn't realized that I had gotten chilled there. Beth Moore's study, Inheritance warmed me all the way to the core and CBS study of Luke is reminding me of how I want to Live and not just exist. The miracle of God's word is that it brings just what we need when we need it, if I read it.

2011-09-19T16:46:00.000-04:00

My blog is like a lot of other things in my life, only halfway invested in. I start something and then I loose steam for various reasons and find myself back in my own little corner.

I had lunch with my son today. He's created a mess with his car insurance; ignoring the notices that said it was time to pay up. My husband told him a million times that he would pay it for him and yet...my son ignored it. So the DMV will take his license and his tags if he doesn't have insurance and my husband said he was done offering his help. Enter Mom, me, pushover queen. I got on the phone and paid the insurance and arranged for the form that has to done because I can't have him loose his car and then his job.

He wants to live at home so he will have money to "have fun". I told him that the prodigal son returned home when he was ready to accept the life his father had for him. Not because he wanted to have more "fun".

I know my son is an addict; whether to drugs or alcohol. And at the moment, being high on substances is how he wants to live. Day by day and bit by bit I am letting go of my hopes for him. I am letting go of my addiction to "helping" him.

2011-07-10T21:56:00.002-04:00

These two ladies walking on the beach are two of my daddy's three sisters. My brother and I ran into them one Saturday many years ago as he and I were walking on the pier. We spotted them and stopped to talk. I snapped this picture as they walked off toward their cottage.

The woman on the right is Aunt Iris. She died in November 2009 at the age of 83. She was, in my mind, a true southern lady. She dressed well, spoke beautifully and had a passion for the beach. I didn't know her very well although she occasionally would stop by the house and visit with my daddy.

Aunt Iris, daddy and Uncle J

The other is my Aunt Mary. For many years her family called her Pee Wee because of her stature. She is a tiny little dynamo with a bawdy sense of humour. Her husband died of tuberculosis when she was pregnant with their third child. She worked long hours and never dated. When all of her children were on their own, she met a urologist who courted and married her. She announced that she was no longer Pee Wee: she was Mary. Her new husband promised her she'd never have to work again. They traveled regularly in their Winnebago and had the time of their lives.

In recent years, Aunt Mary developed ovarian cancer. She lost her beautiful white hair and wears lovely hats that coordinate with her cane, which she uses because of the intense pain in her hip. At 84, she still drives; a frightening thing to witness. On Tuesday morning, July 5, she had gotten in her car to drive herself someplace, sending her 91 year old husband into the house out of the oppressive heat. An hour later, he happened to look out the kitchen window and he spied her sitting in the car struggling to open the door. No one is sure if she ever left the yard or not. Her keys were in her lap; her things on the seat beside her. She had suffered a massive stroke.

I talked with my Uncle J on the phone today to ask him how my aunt is doing. His voice was thick with tears as he said: "She can't move her whole right side. She can't speak and you know, Mary always has something she wants to say and it just hurts me to think she can't say what she wants to say. I've been thinking about the ten of us and when Mary goes, I'll be all that's left. Who will I call? I always call Mary when I can't remember how a thing goes or who somebody is."

It feels like sorrow is just rolling over my daddy's family. Then Aunt Mary's granddaughter, who was due in mid-August with her first child , Aunt Mary's first great-grandchild, had complications and was induced. She gave birth last night to a tiny, but healthy, baby girl.

Someone coming and someone going.

Daddy's memorial

2011-06-30T13:56:00.000-04:00

Somewhere I read: A mother is only as happy as her unhappiest child. I'm finding that phrase to be true in my own life. I'm trying hard to enjoy my home and family and friends, but always there is a film-sometimes darker than others-a film of sorrow, worry, and grief. I think it must be like this when you've lost a child to death; always part of you unavailable for life.

I think it is important for me to be thankful that my son is alive. Every day that he is alive I can have hope that God will pull him from the abyss of addiction that he dwells in.

2011-06-15T15:51:00.000-04:00

I had a phone call from my oldest son whose living in California trying to "make it" as an actor. He asked me to pray for him that he would get some money or acting work. I don't know whether to be happy or sad over that request. He's made it clear that he isn't buying into Jesus and he isn't 100 percent on God. I think that he thinks that he can live off of my faith as a kind of insurance policy. Asking me to pray doesn't take any commitment on his part and who knows, maybe God will answer.
I recognize in my son the idea that God can't possibly help me do what I want to do for ME-God only helps people accomplish things that are noble and good. This idea has kept me from pursuing many of my own interests, even though I don't do anything noble or good in their stead. I refuse to live abundantly because how I want to spend my time seems frivolous.

I think I better pray for both of us to accept God's blessings and encouragement.

2011-05-12T06:56:00.000-04:00

May 10, 1981, thirty years ago, I wedded a man I'd known only ten months. Aside from the month we met, ours was a relationship conducted long distance. He was in Maryland and I was in college in North Carolina. It's amazing when I think about it now. I would advise my girls against such a hasty endeavor and yet, it was the best decision of my young life.

2011-04-14T09:55:00.000-04:00

This past week has been chilly and rainy and my mood has matched. My body has been stiff and achy and I have gotten out of bed at 5:30 am to take my baby to the bus and returned home to crawl right back under the covers for a few more hours.
My mama is losing her job. At 72, it's no big surprise and yet, she is not prepared. For three days I've been on the phone with my oldest brother listening to him panic about what's going to happen or not happen, with mama. He's going to have to sell his cabin and he's having troubles with his partner. He's teetering on the edge and mama is looking to him to make sure her life stays the same-or so he thinks. All this talk about mama brings to the fore my own stuffed down anger with my mama and that leads to daddy; then to daddy's wife. Before I know it, I'm just plain old mad and depressed.
The rainy days, dreary mood and conversations with him have raked up lots of negative nastys. I need the respite of a good hour or so with the Lord. I need to get back to my time with Him. I laid aside my bible, bible studies and church when daddy died. It felt like too much effort to seek God out. I feel the weight of all my circumstances falling only on me. I've had too much of the rain and as always, God sends the sun. He calls me back. He reminds me that He's there holding the umbrella and handing out rain boots.

Baby Days

2011-03-27T17:54:00.000-04:00

For my birthday this year my hubby gave me a Wolverine. It's a handy little thing that I can scan negatives with and get digital info. Faster and easier than scanning photos but still time consuming. I have what seems like millions of negatives so even though I scanned negatives for hours this week, I've barely scratched the surface. Here are some of when my children were babies. Makes the mama very nostalgic!

My firstborn

Our little family

My middle two-best buddies

Our baby

Hubby with his two boys

Sisters

Christmas at the cabin

2011-01-18T18:45:00.000-05:00

Christmas eve my hubby, me, J, L and SK drove up to NC to meet up with my brother, B and his partner, W, to spend Christmas at their cabin. It's the first time in years that we all have had Christmas together. My mama came up with B and W and my youngest brother, M, would be meeting us later. M went up to Ktown first to spend Christmas with his son and see my daddy's widow before joining us. His daughter and son-in-law came on up to the cabin.

We awoke on Christmas day to several inches of snow and it continued to snow all day and into the next-we were snowbound on the mountain! Nobody was really complaining as we had a warm fire, food and games to play. My mama buried her nose in the final Harry Potter installment and the rest of us played a rousing game of dice.
On the 28th we celebrated my oldest's 25th birthday by going into Asheville and doing some shopping and then having dinner. Food was delicious and he found the travel bag he was looking for. Hubby had to take him to the airport in Knoxville the next day so J could get back to California and his job.

M arrived after a whole lot of folderol about whether he should come or not. He finally decided to make the drive and we all went over to the cabin where his family was staying for his yummy pecan waffles one morning, eggs and bacon another and last but not least, a fish stew-an eastern NC dish.

We went shopping in Waynesville one day, watched ECU get humiliated on TV at a sports bar another, and mama, my niece and I went sledding one afternoon.

M headed home on New Year's eve and the rest of us spent the evening nibbling on snacks and playing dice. After a great week we all headed to our respective homes on New Year's day with all day Sunday to regroup before starting back into our routines.

I spend very little time with my brothers and their families and there were moments when we all realized why, but overall we had a wonderful time without too many clashes.

Christmas in our town

2011-01-17T14:30:00.000-05:00

Now that I've had a few weeks to catch my breathe, I have to say that we had a great Christmas. I had intended that I would not decorate as I didn't want to come home from Christmas in the cabin and be faced with the remnants of an earlier celebration. My daughters had other ideas and on the Friday after Thanksgiving they got out the little tree and decorated it. I must say that it gave just the right amount of holiday spirit!

We expected our oldest in from California on the 23rd. As my husband and I were having our morning coffee on the 22nd, he got a text from the oldest saying he had made it to the airport. "He's got the wrong day!" was my husband's response but when he checked the ticket info he realized that HE had the wrong day. So, I finished wrapping the presents, thawed something for dinner and we celebrated on the 22nd.

My second son could not join us for Christmas at the cabin as he had to work. It was our first Christmas day without all our offspring with us, but the celebration beforehand demonstrated that the number of the day doesn't matter; it's the being together that counts.

2011-01-13T15:48:00.000-05:00

My oldest booked a McDonald's commercial, his first success in his quest for stardom. I feel it is fortuitous as one of his first words was "'donals".

New Year...resolution

2011-01-04T17:07:00.000-05:00

I'd like to be among the multitudes of people who are NOT making New Year resolutions but, alas, I made the mistake of going to the doctor for my yearly check-up right before the holidays. HAHAHA WHAT was I thinking?

The phone call came on the 23rd: Cholesterol 257. Must go on a STRICT low cholestrol, low calorie diet and return in 3 months.

TADAAA instant New Year's resolution!

Day 3 of that resolution and I'm doing OK: Walked 30 minutes today and yesterday. No read meat and lots of fruit and veggies...and I don't mean my all time favorite veggie-french fries. I think I feel my blood thinning.

I have this.

2010-12-13T22:03:00.001-05:00

http://www.sjogrens.org/home/about-sjogrens-syndrome
The verdict is in. I have this syndrome. I'm lucky as I don't have lupus, RA or schleraderma. I'm also lucky because it can take years to get a diagnosis and my rheumatologist suspected it right away.

So. I don't feel so lucky just yet. Maybe when the med kicks in and my feet stop hurting.

2010-11-22T17:20:00.001-05:00

Last Thanksgiving daddy held my hand tight and told me he had made peace with God and was ready to go home. It was the last time I saw him before he died.

2010-11-17T11:01:00.001-05:00

     If I had realized that this photo would be the only picture I would have of me with both my parents, I wouldn't have goofed around and flung my hand out like that. When I look at this picture now, what I remember is how comfortable I was with the thought that my mama would never really leave daddy even though at the time this picture was taken, she was only months away from doing so.
     I also see why my daddy's second wife could never accept the family we were; why she despised my mother; why she has worked tirelessly to wipe out my daddy's first wife and the children she gave him.  I see that my parents loved each other and they loved their children. It was love that remained even through divorce. It was love that I was blessed to grow up with and was probably the reason that I never thought my mama would really leave.
     My mama lived in an orphanage from the time she was nine after her mother walked out on her daddy. She didn't know anything about marriage or family dynamics except the popular opinion of the times which was: If he doesn't make you happy, LEAVE. My parents would get along great for long periods of time-the calm before the storm-and then have loud shouting matches the result of which were that she would move into my room with me and inform me that as soon as her children were grown, she was leaving.
      I was 19; my brothers, 18 and 14. We weren't grown and what I know now is, it wouldn't have mattered if we were.  Leaving was not the solution to her unhappiness. I can't speak to all situations where couples feel compelled to divorce. I can only speak about what I experienced and that was my parent's inability to deal with the problems between them. Their divorce didn't solve any of those problems; it only denied us all the one thing we really had going for us: love.
      My daddy's second wife of 29 years spends lots of time since his death saying how my daddy was her soul mate. She spends lots of time saying how he was her best friend and how he will always be with her. She spends a lot of time reminding everyone that she was his wife. In the year before his death, she also spent a lot of time reporting how often he had accidents to anyone who would listen; jerking his pants down to "see if you've messed yourself" in front of whomever; snatching his hat off and commenting on his balding head; telling him that his children didn't care about him and taking every opportunity to embarrass and humiliate him. She spent a lot of time bullying him and trying to make him leave his 30 acres of dirt and little 3 bedroom rambler to her so she could have the power over what my brothers and I eventually inherit.

What she is unable to understand is that I have my inheritance. In the months before he died, daddy entrusted me with a message for mama: he never stopped loving her and he wished he'd tried harder. My mama says that now that he's gone she doesn't think about what he was like in his later years or even what drove her to leave in the first place.
She remembers that she loved him.

2010-11-11T07:33:00.002-05:00

I miss the days when mothering was simple. I felt important and wise and, to some degree, I was. My present day mothering of young adult children, who are living with life changing stresses, alternates between them clinging to me in that loving, nostalgic way and punches that knock me to my knees. As they stumble around and attempt to make their own separate lives, I stand at the ready to assist but all too frequently I am knocked to the ground and chastised for my failure to make everything work out exactly as they wish.

My offspring don't seem to realize that I am living with life changing stress, too. It feels as if they believe their father and I have finished with any living of our own. Our feelings, needs, hopes and dreams are inconsequential to any of theirs. I suppose their attitude comes from so many years of letting my children be the culmination of all I hoped for as a young girl. I wanted nothing more than to be a wife and mother; to have a family of my own with which to live. The problem is that having a family is not a feat to be accomplished; it is a way of living. Only lately it feels more like a boxing match where I spend most of my time unconscious on the mat.

But I am starting to learn how to box; to keep my head down and heart protected; to avoid the quick jabs ands punches that come my way. And when I get hit square and fall to the mat, I'm learning how to get back up again.

2010-10-23T10:24:00.000-04:00

Realization time is almost upon us. L has been dancing daily, going to community college, and hanging out with her boyfriend. Our lives are suspended for the moment wondering what will be happening in the spring. When she left school to transfer, she was 100 percent sure she wanted to pursue dance but as she's waited and prepared for these auditions, I see her confidence lag.

We're both taking deep breathes and knowing that God will be in her excitement or her disappointment.

2010-10-15T08:55:00.000-04:00

I confess: I was not intending to see a rheumatologist about my neck and feet pain. But, my doctor's office called and said "Your sonograms were normal but your neck x-ray showed mild arthritis and bone spurs. You are following up with a rheumatologist, correct?"

And I said "Ding dang it!"

What I really said was 'yes' and then made my appointment.

Looks like forty was my peak year and for the last eleven, I've been heading down the other side of the hill.

A Winner

2010-10-13T10:33:00.000-04:00

My son was waiting out on the front porch yesterday when my daughter and I returned home at 4 pm from a girls' day out. He had been sitting there since 12:30. He was ticked off because his phone was cut off.

We had an agreement. I bought him a CricKet phone in August and paid his first month's usage because-the official reason- he was getting set up in his own place. (The more accurate reason is that I'm an idiot.) He was going to get his ducks in a row and then pay his own phone bill: $45 dollars monthly for unlimited text and talk.

Yesterday was October 12. The bill is due on the 7th of each month. He wanted to know why his phone was cut off and why his bill said he owed a hundred and seven dollars. Let me say that he came to dinner three or four times in late August and played the good son and I paid his phone bill in September. I looked up his bill on line and explained how this was OCTOBER and I had paid his bill in SEPTEMBER which was LAST month and he needed to pay for OCTOBER to get his phone turned back on and they were also indicating that he would owe money for NOVEMBER. I said that I would pay over the phone FOR him and he would have phone service within thirty minutes. He said "Ok! I get paid on Friday".

HAHAHAHA!

Lest I sound cold hearted I must explain that 2 weeks ago, S came around and whined about how hard it is to make ends meet working at Target. He just doesn't make enough money. He left his bills here, lying on the floor instead of taking them with him and they indicate that the bank has closed his account and he owes them 96 dollars for an overdraft. He owes Progressive for car insurance, the last installment, and so he is driving around without car insurance. He also owes his landlord 500 dollars for the month's rent. I'm not a math genius but his pay stubs indicate he makes roughly 1200 dollars a month-if he bothers to work all the available hours.

A day after these financial revelations, he texted me to tell me he had stuff stolen out of his car. The driver's side window wouldn't roll up. He chose not to put it up and leave it up because he has to be able to smoke, doesn't he? So he left his car in the parking lot at work with the window rolled down.

Texting is a tricky thing. Sometimes you text someone something not intended for them and poor old S texted his mom something intended for his friend: All my pot and my grinder bowl and my gun got stolen.

Come on, Ma. How many times are you going to let him convince you that this time he's figured it out and he's really trying hard to get it together and by the way could you help me out?

One less time, anyway. He wanted me to pay to have his phone turned back on and he would pay me back on Friday. And I said "No." I need 45 dollars. Now. Turns out he had 46, but paying by phone has a two dollar charge. I told him he should go to the CricKet store and pay. They only take cash and there's no fee and they return your service within 30 minutes. He snatched up his money, huffed out and slammed the door.

While I was away for the weekend last week, S came to the house and hung around with his dad. S showed him a budget that said he made about 600 dollars a month. So his dad payed to fix his window and told him that he'd pay his car insurance. I gave my husband my information: I've seen his pay stubs and he makes more than that. My husband said not to worry that he had left the assistance up to S. He has to contact the bank and get his fine paid so he has a way to pay his bills when he can't use cash and he has to contact Progressive and find out how much it'll cost to get his car insurance reinstated. Then he has to come to his dad and let him know that he's taken care of it and how much it's going to be. And guess what: He hasn't done it.

The boy's a real winner.

FibroWHAT?

2010-10-03T10:22:00.005-04:00

So now I have muscle and joint pain that my doctor, very sweetly and calmly, explained to me is most likely fibromyalgia. She ordered some blood tests just to make sure it isn't anything else and assured me repeatedly that fibromyalgia can be treated and managed.

I looked up fibromyalgia on the internet. It apparently is the diagnoses you get when the docs can't find anything else causing your symptoms. I, on the other hand, think that I know what is causing my symptoms: my son who is driving around without car insurance, smoking pot and refusing to grow up; my daughter who is freaking out about auditioning and her future and what to do with her boyfriend; my oldest son who rejects God and wants to be in comedy and is living in LA with no job; and my husband who needs constant tlc. All add up to not only literal pains in the neck but pains in the feet and legs, too.

Happy birthday, Daddy

2010-07-31T13:05:00.000-04:00

Daddy would be 80 today. I hope he's having a big heavenly party.

2010-07-17T12:13:00.001-04:00

I'm feeling like a chemical experiment. Sweat randomly beads up on my upper lip and pools in the small of my back. I think my inside wants to come out and beat up my outside.

Every little thing feels...monumental. I'm incredibly angry and trying to manage it is taking superhuman effort I don't currently posess. I need my family to move out of my house.

UGH.

Enabling

2010-07-12T15:50:00.002-04:00

On a Friday afternoon at the end of April, I drove down to school and picked up my oldest daughter from her first year of college. I stayed through the weekend. She wasn't getting along with her friends. She hated the changes in the program for next term. By Monday she had decided she wasn't going back next year.

We let her make that decision. But today I realized that I haven't allowed her to deal with the consequences of it. I've been too busy scheduling visits to other schools and finding her SAT scores and applying for a copy of her social security card because she doesn't know where her original is.

We drove to the community college today, where she plans to take some classes in the fall until she can audition for other schools. We drove there to give them her ss number so she can apply online. She didn't bring her photo id with her. And she said "It's no big deal. We'll just go home and get it and I'll come back tomorrow."

And there I sat, the big dumb ma. Running around and fretting and pushing and helping myself to death. My wasted time is no. big. deal.

Haven't these years with my son taught me anything? I can't care about the consequences for her. And I'm tired of being the dumping ground when things don't go how she wants them.

I feel like the great enabler when what I want to be is an encourager. Do I communicate to my offspring that they can't do anything for themselves? My husband says that she's just been refusing to step up to the plate. Partly because she's depressed over how things turned out at her first school. And partly because now her life is on hold again. He feels we have to push, maybe even push her over, in order to get her up and moving in the new direction.

I guess I needed to get pushed over, too, in order to realize that I need to back off.

2010-06-01T16:48:00.002-04:00

My second born son is staying here again. It was to be for a few days when he called on my anniversary needing a place to stay. His girlfriend broke up with him and kicked him out of her house. Why couldn't I say "Too bad"? My husband has extended the couple of days to June 9, the day before we leave for vacation.

It is so difficult for me to have him here. When he isn't living here, I can hope that he's getting himself together. When he is living here, hope dies again.

It isn't even as if he spends any real time at our house. If he isn't at work, he's out partying. I hear the door at 4 am and then again at 4:08 as he comes in long enough to put on his work clothes and then leave for work. He gets off at 12:30 pm and goes straight to "a friend's" house to "sleep". His days off, he's over at "a friend's". When we ask him if he's found a room, he says that he's been talking A LOT with his friend about moving to Richmond.

He will only start looking for a room on June 9Th.

I wish I didn't care. How do you stop caring? How do you stop seeing bleary eyes and a raw nose? It isn't fair that I feel the pain of his self destruction while he lives oblivious to everything and everyone.

I have to put the hurt somewhere so I am putting it here. If I talk with my husband, he gets angry. He's sick of hearing me grieve aloud about it. He says I punish him for what our son is or isn't doing. If I want to stay married I must stop talking about our son.

I hate when my husband asks me what the matter is. I want to tear my clothes and scream and let out the constant living grief. I want to tell him that something is and always will be the matter as long as my son is an addict. I want to grab my son and pound the madness out of him. I want to open my eyes to sunlight that signals the end of the nightmare. I want people to stop telling me he's a "good kid" and everything is going to work out OK because they don't know anything else to say. I want them to stop asking me how he is because I'm sick of the look on their faces when I tell them how he really is. I want God to reach down from heaven and DO something.

I am going to be OK as soon as he's out of my home and if his dad doesn't put him out, I will.

I just have to make it to June 9.

2010-05-27T18:08:00.006-04:00

January 16, 2010 daddy died. He was recovering well from his bypass and strokes; using his walker to get around a bit. He, his wife, and some of her friends had gone to daddy's favorite steak place for dinner. He was drinking a beer and eating a steak. Swallowing was difficult for him since his strokes. He frequently choked and that's what happened. He choked.

God is good to me and He was good to my daddy. Daddy didn't want to linger and, in spite of his progress, he told me more than once that he was ready to "move on". He was out having a good time and apparently, was dead before he had time to realize it. The stress of choking brought on a heart attack.

I guess in all families there is stress over relationships. The days and weeks since he died, I have been at peace over his death but his wife for 29 years has wielded her sharp tongue and attempted to destroy the evidence of mine and my brothers' relationship with daddy. As much as I say I don't care, I do. Her hatred of me is palpable and while we never have been close, I never realized the depths of her feelings. I never let myself accept that she was capable of such hostility.

It makes perfect sense. I was my daddy's confidante and he never made it a secret to me that he didn't marry his second wife because he loved her. He never stopped loving my mother or the life that he had had with her. He regretted deeply that he didn't try harder to win my mother back after she left. His second wife married him to give herself, what she saw as, position in the community and daddy married her to help him financially and with his 14 year old son still living with him.

I was 20 when they married and married myself the year after they were. I see now that she counted me out from the beginning. I made it fairly easy; we live five hours away. It was easy for her to erase me from my home. But it proved impossible to erase me from my daddy's heart.

The death of my daddy and her behavior had caused me to claim that I'll never go back there. She has, as my daddy had asked me about, a life estate in the property. But never is a long time. It's part of who I am; a country girl who loves home and family. Daddy was one of ten children; the eighth to pass away. My uncle and his wife continue to live there on the road where they all grew up. Next to the house my great-grandfather built and lived in; the house where my daddy and his siblings were raised.

Daddy's wife may have erased me from my home but she hasn't erased home from me. Isn't it the way of life? Aren't we all like blades of grass, here in a moment; forgotten and gone in the next? I remain my daddy's confidante able now to remember for him the love and family that was.

2010-05-26T19:18:00.000-04:00

Fighting my way out of the box I made for myself with family and friends.

2009-08-14T11:46:00.002-04:00

So I've been quite angry and mad and probably more than a little depressed. All the remaining items in my "pit". My little pity pit.
You ever just get sick of the sound of your own voice in your head?
I haven't decided if I'm still sick of it or not.

Me, me, me.

2009-05-01T08:08:00.002-04:00

I had permission to use this photo.

The Friday before Easter hubs, the girls and I went up to NYC to see J perform in his improv group. We got to NY early afternoon, checked into our room and prepared to have J show us around his part of town. My eldest daughter turned to me, as I rummaged through my purse trying to find my camera, and said "Don't bring your camera! I don't want pictures of me plastered all over your blog!" I was a tad taken aback. Okay, my feelings were hurt. I defended myself with "I don't just plaster pictures of you all over my blog." The older and the younger sort of made half-hearted attempts to defend me with comments like "well, it's your blog" and "I don't mind if you plaster pictures of ME up on your blog". The lack of enthusiasm for my picture taking persuaded me to leave the camera in the room. Which, I add with some smugness, they were all sorry I did as we saw some things that they all wanted a picture of.
In the heat of the discussion over my camera, L tossed out that I had no life of my own to write about so I used pictures of my kids and wrote about my kids. And someone, maybe it was my husband, said that "well, when you're a mom the kids ARE your life". This remark shot right to the heart of it for me and has smoldered in me for weeks.
I came home and did a review of my blog-which mostly has pictures of my kids plastered all over it. Even my personal struggles centered around my kids and what they are doing. The one thing I was doing for me, the 365 picture a day, has fallen by the wayside due to circumstances with one of my kids.
What the heck.
I saw the movie Marty the other night on TCM. It's the story of a 34 year old bachelor that lives with his widowed mother. He at long last meets a woman and falls in love. In the meantime, his widowed aunt, who is living with her son and his wife and baby, is tossed out of their home for being difficult. She comes to live with Marty's mother and they have a conversation about what's going to happen if Marty gets married. The aunt says something like: I'm 56 years old. I have a lot of life left to give; strong hands to cook and to clean and all I have left are empty rooms. Nobody wants me. What's a mother without children to love?
When it's put like that, it's easy to see how pathetic it is, really, to view myself only as "a mother". Honestly, I didn't realize I was doing that. I think it must be somewhat easier for women who have held onto some part of themselves by working. Perhaps everyone in the family can see that she brings so much more to the family than just strong hands that cook and clean. Or maybe not. The temptation might always be to put your whole heart into your family neglecting to leave a little piece of it for yourself.
So, I have decided to look a little more at myself and what I'm doing and a little less of looking at my offspring and what they're doing. I have a lot of life left to live with strong hands that are dying to do ANYTHING else but cooking and cleaning.

A Popping Sound

2009-04-03T17:00:00.002-04:00

There's only so much a girl can take and then comes the eruption of emotion. Look out everybody; get out of the way.
The wayward son is out and as I turn my attention back to my girls, they let loose with their own issues and problems. I confess, I can't quite cope.
I just want some calm. I'm pretty sure that under ordinary circumstances I could cope with the youngest D's and F's and boyfriend that she's not supposed to have. I think I could cope with L's undercover partying and imminent exit from our home to college. As it is, I just hear a popping sound that signals the arrival of my breaking point.

365, not really

2009-03-18T11:46:00.003-04:00

I have fallen behind on a picture a day. But...I feel it is too early in the year to give up completely.

My senior girl and her friends leaving on the senior trip. She had a great time and I missed her.

My husband was so ticked at me about the fact that I don't drive my bug as much as I do the van. He was lecturing away and I got out my camara and captured the moment. HAHA!

We picked up pizza for dinner one Sunday night and I thought "Cr*p! I havent' taken a picture today!" TaDAA

My youngest being goofy. I could probably get a picture of her being goofy every day.

Mothering ceased

2009-03-18T11:27:00.003-04:00

We had group counseling yesterday; S, hubs and me. S said lots of things that all came around to: I'm trying to change him and I won't let him do what he wants.
Which is true.
Because he wants to do nothing. Maybe not nothing: He wants to stay up all night and sleep all day and party and graffiti up other people's property and then sleep all day and wake up at night to do it again.
He said he didn't get why we care so much. What's it to you what I do? Why can't you leave me alone? He sounds and acts like he did when he was sixteen.
But he's 20, almost 21.
After he announced to us that his plan is to wait until May 15, the date we gave him to move out, to worry about finding a job or a place I said: Thank you, son. I am free to say to you that you are leaving today. I am not living with you one more day.
My mothering for him, ceased. It was that easy.
And that hard.

365 Feb 28-March 6

2009-03-06T17:05:00.009-05:00

It reached 70 degrees today so S and his girlfriend ate their dinner outside.

I'm hooked on McDonalds. Not a pretty picture. I stopped there on my way home to make dinner for my hubs.

Trying to look 49 again. Hairdresser claims she "younged" me up a bit. Nice try.

What do you know, It did snow and the young people had two days off school.

Stuck by the train on the way to church. The weatherman wants to promise snow but all we have is rain.

My senior girl has been dealing with a rash for two weeks. Technically, I didn't take this picture but it expresses the week of doctor visits: 3 not counting the dermatologist.

Actions speak louder

2009-03-05T11:33:00.002-05:00

I spin around in circles listening to people's advice about S. But every now and then, I have a moment of clarity. Today was one of those days and in talking with my husband, he's had his moment of clarity, too.
Sunday I wasn't feeling well and decided to leave with S after church instead of staying for class after. S and I had quite the conversation where he said so many of the right things and I just listened and thought that maybe something's getting in. Pretty much since then he's continued to stay up all night and lay around all day unless I wake him up and tell him something to do. After the conversation on Sunday, I expected at least a minimal attempt to do something different-or did I?
Anyway. I heard him go out this morning at 4:30 am and I found an empty tequila bottle in the bathroom under the sink and he was wearing the same clothes since Monday and was asleep on the couch when he got a phone call. The phone call was from a girl that he promised he'd give a ride to work to in exchange for her recommending him for busboy or something.
S doesn't have a car. We let him use our van. Unfortunately for S and his friend, L has the van because her car is in the shop, something S didn't know because he just assumed he could use our car whenever the mood strikes. And as he stood there in front of me in his nasty clothes with his bloodshot eyes telling me he was going to go look for a job except he forgot L was going to have the van-I had the moment of seeing ourselves loud and clear.
I said, and it is quite unchristian, "Bullshit. You are full of it. You say all the right things in just the right way but you should know; I may look like it's convincing me of something but what I am really doing is watching what you are doing. I'm really saying to myself 'here he goes again with the bullshit'. And I'm convinced more and more that what you say is crap because you don't DO anything different.".
The time has come, even though it breaks my heart AGAIN, that he has to leave. I called my husband and told him that S has to do something different or he's out at 21which is May 13. My husband said that he had come to a conclusion and that was that S had had since October to redo and he hasn't redone. He's only talked about redoing so my husband is going to tell him he's moving out on his birthday regardless of what he's doing and especially, regardless of what he's saying. My husband said that it was time that we spoke with our actions because just like what S has been saying to us is meaningless, apparently what we've been saying to him is meaningless as well.
It really doesn't matter anymore how much we love him.

365 Almost

2009-02-28T11:47:00.004-05:00

It's tougher than I thought to get a picture EVERY day, but I press on.

A self-portrait by S.

I spied my daughter's graffiti in her high school parking lot. Every year, the seniors paint the parking lot.

Hubby and I took a day and went for a drive through the Virginia countryside. I was waiting for him to get fuel.

A picture leaving a restaurant instead of IN the restaurant.

My hubby bought me a surprise for hanging stuff. For no reason. Unlike the GPS, this gift could come in handy. So I said "You can be my picture for today."

A Christmas present from my hubby, a GPS. It was one of those gifts somebody thinks you need, but you don't necessarily agree. It failed me this day as it kept telling me to "Make a U-turn" I guess because I kept missing the street.

A fun day with my galpal Leslie.

Our favorite breakfast spot

2009-02-24T19:13:00.002-05:00

My husband showed me this today. It's from our local paper about our favorite breakfast spot. It's a real old fashioned, grungy, hometown place.

By KEITH WALKER
Published: February 23, 2009

Tom’s Diner is the kind of place you can go get meals like liver and onions or meatloaf for lunch, or breakfast any time if that’s what you want.

The daily specials come with vegetables, mashed potatoes and bread. Coffee refills are free. There’s a smoking section, and the wait staff will take time to chat.

Even with all of that going for it, the economy is hitting the place hard.

“We’re struggling,”said Bill Saleh, who has owned the diner at 9003 Centreville Road for the last eight years.

The slide has been coming on over the last seven to nine months, and it’s the worst Saleh has seen.

Everything is stacked against the father of four who came to the United States from Jerusalem in 1983.

Saleh said the downturn has hit him from all sides, with the double whammy of a drop in business coupled with an increase in the prices he has to pay for food and supplies.

“People come in, but the traffic is much less,” said the 47-year-old Saleh, who estimates that business is off by 25 percent from last year. “It’s a big difference in the prices of our products.”

Like other business owners, Saleh has had to eliminate spending wherever he could just to stay afloat.

“I cut hours for the dishwashers and the cook. I haven’t had to lay anybody off yet,” said Saleh, who owned an ice cream vending business in Pennsylvania before he came to Manassas.

Saleh said he just hopes he can hang on until things get better.

Regina Moore has worked at the diner that used to be called the Colonial Restaurant on and off for 15 years.

She looks at the bright side, even though she doesn’t make as much in tips these days.

“Weekends are still good,” said the 50-year-old Moore. “Everybody’s pretty nice. They all try to leave something.”

Food at the diner is reasonably priced with an anytime breakfast special of two eggs, two pieces of bacon, two pieces of sausage and two pancakes that goes for $4.99.

Moore said it’s not the kind of place where people come in and “spend a lot of money.”

“We survive day by day,” Moore said. “It’s got its good days and its bad days.”

Winter or Spring

2009-02-19T09:59:00.003-05:00

Yesterday morning it snowed and I got jazzed about some white stuff. Of course, the snow quickly turned to rain and drizzle and I spent the day nestled in my house feeling very wintry.
Today started off looking much the same and I was hoping it would do some real snowing. Enough to build a snowman or hit my kids with snowballs. But here it is only four hours from wake-up time and the cold grey morning and the sun is shining and the sky is blue. So I say the heck with snowmen and snowball fights! Bring on the spring flowers and birds chirping. Just make up your mind already.
Now I know why nature is referred to as "Mother"!

365 Feb 11-16

2009-02-16T11:41:00.005-05:00

2/16 Our favorite breakfast spot, Tom's Diner. SK is going to spend her day off with a friend, but first eggs and cornbeef hash.

2/15 More bathroom stuff.

2/14 Me and my Valentine on Valentine's Day.

2/13 A crockpot kind of day. (This recipe actually was very good.)

2/12 L played hooky from school and the three of us; L,S, and me, went to the movies and did a little shopping.

2/11 L bought this shirt for her dad.

Facing fifty

2009-02-13T18:27:00.005-05:00

This is me at 10. I was hoping to "blossom". You know how everyone says: "Don't worry, one day you'll blossom".

Hi ho. Hi ho. Off to the DMV I go. Or went. I had to renew the driver's license and, because it has been ten years since I've done so, I had to have a new picture taken. If you want to feel real old, have the DMV take your picture and laminate it to a card that you have to show everyone who asks for ID.
My mama says that I just have to adjust to what my older self looks like and stop looking in the mirror and thinking I'm going to see what I saw ten years ago. She says that, but I've seen her about to fight her reflection in a store mirror because she didn't realize 1)it was a reflection and 2) it was herself.

365, kinda

2009-02-11T10:10:00.010-05:00

S and his new hamster, Dixie. S found his childhood harmonica and stayed up all night playing it.

Pirates with a pirate.

ECU Grandpa

Making waffles in the hotel before The dance audition.

The never ending bathroom project.

My eye has started twitching; the glaucoma eye. I was trying to capture it on film. Haha. And then there is the stuff that is piling up in the kitchen corner that I don't know where to put so I took a picture of it to see how it looks where it is.

2009-02-10T12:48:00.001-05:00

I'm having a crummy day. I don't know why I even bother with this blog. I can't remember why I started it and I'm not funny or insightful or creative. I just whine a whole heck of a lot.

Jan.25-Feb.1

2009-02-02T09:23:00.000-05:00

In the midst

2009-01-27T10:00:00.002-05:00

I'm living on a yo-yo. I max out on S and he plays "nice" and then I ease up and then he stays up all night and flakes out on me and I max out...
He's twenty. He doesn't have a job and his girlfriend's step-dad kicked him out of their house so he can't go back.
We're stuck with him.
How do I get him out of our home?
I don't know what God wants us to do but I know that God is with me in the midst of all this stress, frustration and grief.

sister act

2009-01-24T21:57:00.003-05:00

It's official: I have NO babies or even kids anymore. The youngest turned fourteen and for her birthday, she asked to have her hair colored auburn. Being the with it mom that I am, I said yes. So today she got a new do and her big sis took her shopping and out to dinner, just the two of them. Dad and I went to Lowes for a faucet and picked up take-out Thai for dinner. Whooohooo!

15-24

2009-01-24T21:43:00.000-05:00

2009-01-23T14:48:00.003-05:00

I'm always amazed that God shows up. It's maddening, really, to have lived as long as I have as a christian and still have elementary school faith.

2009-01-20T08:30:00.000-05:00

I can't take anymore...
Probably I can.
Most likely, I have to.

2009-01-15T10:31:00.002-05:00

But the end of all things is at hand; therefore be serious and watchful in your prayers. And above all things have fervent love for one another, for "love will cover a multitude of sins."1 Peter 4: 7-8

365 Days 5-14

2009-01-15T10:19:00.001-05:00

Opportunity

2009-01-02T09:20:00.009-05:00

The house is quiet; kids are still sleeping and hubby's gone to the office. It's a grey day outside, but I feel motivated and excited by the prospect of a fresh start. Holidays and birthdays are just days like any other but recognizing them makes a break in the steady, relentless march of time. It feels like a new opportunity.
Here is one opportunity I'm going to take; Beth Moore is having a scripture memorization challenge on the LPM blog. I'm going to give it a go. My memory's not so good but at the very least, I'll have a stack of relevant scriptures to go to.
Be very careful, then, how you live-not as unwise but as wise, making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil. Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the Lord's will is. Eph. 5:15-17

2008-12-19T10:35:00.002-05:00

This afternoon L is going to a viewing. It's the first one she's ever had to attend and she wants to go without me with her friends. The viewing is for one of her close friends that committed suicide on Tuesday. Since school began in September, they have had six deaths at her high school; four students have killed themselves and two were killed in accidents.
It swirls around in my head that in this country of abundant things so many people are still empty. I'm so thankful for the blood of Christ that gives us abundant life, life that goes beyond this earthly, painful place.

Our girl sings a solo

2008-12-16T20:05:00.001-05:00

Christmas at our house.

2008-12-15T10:13:00.006-05:00

Trimming the tree.

We bought our elf ladder at a Christmas craft show when our firstborn was a baby. They stopped making the elves before our youngest was born so hers is unique.

Our star is like the one my husband remembers his family having on their tree. We've had ours for twenty years.

I made each of our Christmas stockings from a pattern I devised with my mom.
The kitchen

The Christmas village from my stepmother is set up in the dining room.

The living room tree
Thanks for stopping in and a blessed Merry Christmas!

2008-12-11T17:18:00.004-05:00

This is me with my two brothers and our dog, Duke. We had just moved to our new house which was only about 2 miles from where we were living. Duke would not stay moved and had gone missing for several weeks. The day this picture was made, my Uncle had come by to see my mama and try out his new camera. It just so happened that Duke came by, too.
I spent today working on my mama's Christmas present. Last time I visited her she mentioned that she didn't have any pictures of her children when they were little. This is totally NOT true, although the family photos from my childhood are limited. First, because we didn't have a camera and second, because in the aftermath of my parent's divorce the few photos we did have got scattered and misplaced. I made copies of the handful of pictures that I have and put them in a photo album for her. There were only enough photos for about half the book so I left the facing pages blank. She does have some photos tossed around, tucked in miscellaneous nooks and crannies that she could scrounge up and stick in the book if she wants. I think my brother has some he could copy for her, too.
It took me all day, but the project is finished, leaving me quite nostalgic.

2008-12-06T12:29:00.002-05:00

I came across 2 empty liter beer bottles in the basement while throwing away old wrapping paper. And then I found a knapsack full of spray paint, probably about thirty cans of it. And a pipe for smoking dope. All this took place while hubs, S and L were at the Christmas parade. So when they came home, I sent the girls upstairs and Husband and I confronted S.
What is all this junk about?
I am so tired of listening to his explanations that are devoid of truth and personal responsibility. Everything is someone else's fault and while he admits that he went to work "f'd up", his contention is that nobody noticed and plays no part in the reason why he can't find a job. The pipe is his girlfriend's. The spray paint is for vandalizing at night, which, according to him, he isn't doing anymore. And I am just a big stupid snoop who doesn't see what the older brother is doing/has done and certainly didn't discipline. We only focus on S and unfairly at that. He just doesn't get why we won't let him do anything: drink, smoke dope, do drugs, spray paint the town. We are so un-flippin-reasonable.
He stormed out of the house.
I used to wonder what people meant when they said that Jesus was their life. Now I know because without Him, I would be in the pit of despair. I trust Him with my son's life and with mine. So, I am pressed down but not destroyed.

2008-12-04T16:21:00.003-05:00

It feels like snow. I wish it would snow and make everything clean and white.
I had a poor conversation with L this afternoon. She pretty much told me I didn't know what I was talking about; she hadn't said what I said she said. She's been in a foul mood lately and I think it's because of college applications and the stress of that. So, I quick-like-a-sponge take it on, too.
Thanksgiving was fun but hovering over us was "next year L will be coming home from school". I put up the Christmas decorations and she said "next year you'll have to wait for me to get home on break." This year's festivities are all tainted by the specter of next year.
It's a constant, subtle pressure on us all.
Meanwhile, S lives in the basement without a job. I am thankful that he is home and that God allows us to provide a home for him. I continue to pray for his sake that this arrangement is temporary. I see him struggling with his feelings about his younger sister preparing to go off and do what he did not. Still, I am thankful that they have this time together to heal and mend their relationship before they venture out into the world.

2008-11-20T16:08:00.001-05:00

My friend e-mailed me this:
A 1st grade school teacher had twenty-six students in her class. She
presented each child in her classroom the 1st half of a well-known proverb
and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It's hard
to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may
surprise you. While reading, keep in mind that these are first-graders,
6-year-olds, because the last one is a classic!
1. Don't change horses until they stop running.
2. Strike while the bug is close.
3. It's always darkest before Daylight Saving Time.
4. Never underestimate the power of termites.
5. You can lead a horse to water but How?
6. Don't bite the hand that looks dirty.
7. No news is impossible
8. A miss is as good as a Mr.
9. You can't teach an old dog new Math
10. If you lie down with dogs, you'll stink in the morning.
11. Love all, trust Me.
12. The pen is mightier than the pigs.
13. An idle mind is the best way to relax.
14. Where there's smoke there's pollution.
15. Happy the bride who gets all the presents.
16. A penny saved is not much.
17. Two's company, three's the Musketeers.
18. Don't put off till tomorrow what you put on to go to bed.
19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and You
have to blow your nose.
20. There are none so blind as Stevie Wonder.
21. Children should be seen and not spanked or grounded.
22. If at first you don't succeed get new batteries.
23. You get out of something only what you See in the picture
on the box
24. When the blind lead the blind get out of the way.
25. A bird in the hand is going to poop on you.
And the WINNER and last one!
26. Better late than Pregnant

2008-11-18T16:31:00.002-05:00

Daddy went to church on Sunday. They had a Veteran's Day celebration honoring all the vets in the community. My nephew pushed his chair down the aisle. When I talked to him on the phone about it, I felt excited and happy for him. After church they went to lunch with his brother and his wife. They all ate at a Mexican restaurant where daddy said he showed great restraint with the chip basket.
When I saw the pictures I was reminded that afterwards, he didn't return home. He went back to the "rehab center". I think daddy summed it up best when he told me "It doesn't matter what the doctors say; I have to do what my wife wants if I want to go home." What his wife wants is for him to be able to walk with a walker and take basic care of himself.
I don't know if that's going to happen.

Finding a fit

2008-11-11T19:38:00.004-05:00

After the disappointment L experienced at Point Park, this weekend was a blessing. She liked the head of the jazz department at ECU and she likes the campus. She also said that she was excited about having a real college experience as opposed to the more singular experience of a small conservatory.
She and I attended a football game, ECU vs Marshall. It was homecoming weekend so there was a big crowd. The pirates won in overtime, making for an exciting game. At one point she hugged me and said "We'll be pirates together, mom!"
My grandmother, my daddy's mama, went to school at ECU when it was East Carolina Teacher's college, probably 1917. She stayed in the same dorm that L wants to stay in, Cotton. My step-mother went there and stayed in Cotton. My aunt went there and stayed in Cotton. And last, but not least, I went there.
My daddy is so excited that she wants to go to ECU. It's only about thirty minutes from where he lives and when we visited him at the rehab center she told him that she would come and visit him often. Even though it's four and a half hours away, it doesn't seem so far when it's so close to my girlhood home.

2008-11-06T16:50:00.002-05:00

My hubby and I were bizzing through Target when we spied a pair of navy "footie pajamas" with rocket ships on them. S had only just the day before pointed some out to me in a catalog, remarking that they were really cool. The pair hubby and I saw were only $12.99 and were just big enough to fit him. We bought them for him as a little joke.
He's staying in the basement because, after his last exit, I converted his room into a guest room. The cleaning lady comes on Thursday mornings to clean the bathrooms and has had to tiptoe past him in order to clean the basement bathroom. Last night at about 3 am, I heard S come up the stairs and go down the hall to the guest room. He had decided to sleep in there so the cleaning lady wouldn't wake him up.
When I got up this morning I peeked in and saw him curled up on the bed in his footie pajamas, his glasses on the floor and his hair sticking up. He looked like he did when he was three.
For a moment I just stood looking at him, not thinking about all that's behind or ahead. No matter where we go from here, it's good to have him home.

2008-11-03T16:51:00.002-05:00

This article is from PowerUp! from Spiritled Woman.
Monday, November 3, 2008

CALLING ALL MOTHERS

By Margaret English

While watching Gov. Sarah Palin speak to voters in Pennsylvania this morning, with her precious children standing behind her, a scripture from Judges 5 stirred in my heart. In it, Israel's judge Deborah said, "I, Deborah, arose, a mother in Israel."

Judges 5:6 says, "In the days of Shamgar the son of Anath, in the days of Jael, the highways were deserted, and travelers went by roundabout ways." She lived in dangerous times when people couldn't walk outside at night. Evils lurked everywhere.

What was Deborah's response to the evil time in which she lived? This mother in Israel looked around and saw a scene much like what we see today. Did she feel sorry for herself? Did she run around and try to find someone to save her? That is learned helplessness, and much of the church has learned it, especially women. But Deborah didn't shrivel up. She got up—she took action.

Deborah stopped sitting down and letting the enemy run over her and her children. She stopped wringing her hands and living in fear. Judges 5:7 says, "Until I Deborah arose, a mother in Israel." She rose up as a mother, because she understood that God had given her a powerful position in her home, her community and her nation. In fact, what role is more powerful than a mother's role? Many mothers will fight to the death for the safety of their children. A mother learns how to live for the welfare and best interests of others every day of her life.

In ancient times, when times became truly tough and evils lurked everywhere, when enemies increased and people were pressed down, God raised up a woman, Deborah, a mother in Israel. I was inspired as I heard Sarah Palin speak so eloquently about fighting for the needs of a nation in difficult times. Like Deborah, Sarah has risen up as mother in America, to make a difference for those she loves.

Interestingly enough, the great general in Deborah's time said he wouldn't go into battle without her. And today, Senator John McCain has insisted on having Sarah at his side. Together, Deborah and her general defeated the enemy. Deborah was a judge who knew how to call upon the Lord. In battle, God fought for them, and the enemy was destroyed by the hands of yet another woman, Jael (Judges 4:21).

"Jael, Heber's wife, took a tent peg and seized a hammer in her hand and went secretly into him and drove it through his head." Interestingly, this enemy's gruesome death reflects a promise spoken of womankind in Genesis. God prophesied that the seed of the woman would crush the head of the serpent (see Gen. 3:15). Way back at the beginning of time, God said that women would have a hand in the destruction of Satan.

I'm so proud of Sarah Palin, a modern-day mother in America who has risen up in difficult times to take a stand for what she believes in. But what about you and me? The prophet Isaiah calls to women in the end-times. He says, "Rise up you women who are at ease….Until the Spirit is poured out upon us from on high" (Isa. 32:9,15).

Is God waiting for us to take a stand? I recall a service in which I had been asked to speak. But as someone's talk droned on, my mind had drifted away into other things. There I was passively daydreaming. When it finally struck me that all eyes were on me, waiting for me to speak, I was stunned.

Perhaps that is where you are today. Your mind is on other things, but heaven's eyes are on you, waiting for you to rise up and take your place, to stand up as a mother in Israel. Perhaps, if you listen carefully, you'll hear the Lord clearing his throat and whispering, "It's your turn to speak up."

PRAYER POWER FOR THE WEEK OF 11/3/2008
This week pray for our nation as never before and ask God to help you make a lasting difference in establishing righteousness in it once again. Ask Him to forgive us where we've not taken a strong enough stand against the things that displease Him. Thank Him that we still have free elections and pray for a safe, peaceful Election Day and a smooth transition period. Continue to bless Israel and pray for its protection, for our military and for those persecuted around the world because of their faith. Pray for President Bush as he completes his term of office. 2 Chron. 7:14

Because He Lives

2008-11-01T14:20:00.001-04:00

When I get stressed about the upcoming election, I listen to this.

Presentation

2008-10-30T11:27:00.003-04:00

God had a message for me yesterday at the hairdressers. My hairdresser asked me how my kids were doing and I started telling her how S had moved back home. She began telling me about a client she has who discovered that her son had issues because he walked too early.
And I sat there.
Then she told me about a client whose 30 year old son had moved back home, rent free and was traveling and enjoying himself thinking that his mom was okay with it while the mom, also her client, had told her that she was going to have to ask him to pay rent.
And I sat there.
And finally she told me about a client she has that is a fortune teller. She was quite serious as she said "You should see him. Maybe he can help you out."
And still, I sat there.
In the car on the way home I felt so disappointed in myself that I didn't speak up and say "I have confidence that the Lord is working in my son." I wondered what I had said to her that made her think I was soliciting advice and then the Lord showed me that the whole of what I said about my situation with my son implied that I had no confidence in Him whatsoever. I sounded like all the other clients she has: I have a problem and I don't know what to do-even though that isn't what I said. It's how I said what I did say and of course, what I didn't say.
Do everything without grumbling and complaining. It's an instruction that I haven't followed. When people see me they don't see my faith at all because I'm too busy grumbling and complaining along with the rest of world.
How will others see the Lord in my life if my presentation of what is going on in it is the same as those who don't know Him?

Menopause Parking by Chonda Pierce

2008-10-26T19:25:00.001-04:00

Chonda says things so well. She's my hero.

2008-10-25T14:41:00.002-04:00

Daddy isn't going to be able to go home as hoped. He just can't stand without assistance since the stroke. The plan now is to move to a rehabilitation facility closer to his house for a few weeks and see if he can make enough progress to be cared for at home. The ironic thing is, he came through the by-pass surgery with flying colors.
My prayer is that he can come home and spend his later days on the land where he where he was born, raised and lived all his life.

His mysterious ways

2008-10-21T11:29:00.003-04:00

L left the audition feeling very disappointed and let down. After all the build up and excitement, she didn't like the very modern style of jazz at Point Park. She made herself finish the audition but she didn't want to stay for the tour. She just wanted to go home.

I was quite amazed. Of all the possible scenarios, this wasn't one I had envisioned.

So now, we are back on the hunt for where to go to school. I'm hoping for a Virginia school: in-state tuition!

S appeared on our doorstep Sunday night. He claims it's over with he and his girlfriend but I suspect he's just tired of hearing her tell him to GET A JOB. We've let him spend the last few nights here but he needs to GET A JOB. I feel like we're right back where we were when he graduated from high school. He doesn't know what to do, he says. So he does nothing. Plays video games and watches t.v. All his stuff is at her parent's house and I'm pretty sure we aren't letting him bring it here unless he has a plan like GET A JOB.

Audition time

2008-10-15T16:42:00.005-04:00

Tomorrow we're loading up the car and heading up to Pittsburgh ( http://www.pointpark.edu/default.aspx?id=429 ) for L's audition on Friday. She's come around in her thinking and has a good perspective about it. She is, I think, prepared to do her best and accept the outcome.

The outcome for me is the same, no matter what happens at this particular audition. She'll be leaving home.

2008-10-13T17:42:00.002-04:00

I left Friday for Capon Springs feeling overwhelmed and stressed out. I came home today feeling at peace and relieved. The weather was beautiful; the friends, comforting. The entire weekend served to restore my spirits. God is good to me, a silly woman who flies off in a flurry of fear at the first sign of trouble.

2008-10-10T17:15:00.002-04:00

In a few hours, we're off to Capon Springs for a weekend of rest, relaxation and fellowship with friends. We're staying in the main house which I love in the fall. This weekend, however, the weather report indicates that it's going to be warm, probably too warm for a fire in the fireplace. It won't matter, though, because it's Capon and not much stresses me there!

We'll get there in time for bingo tonight. I hope I win some cookies.

mini meltdown

2008-10-09T17:29:00.003-04:00

uhh. I saw the glaucoma doc again today. The drops aren't working and I have to switch to some new ones. She did the visual field test and I have a blind spot in my left eye. She also showed me the photos of my optic nerves; the right eye being healthy and the left eye...not.
So I'm doing okay with this I think and then I get the new medicine, some kind of beta-blocker and I'm reading the precautions which include: You may need to stop taking this medication a few days before surgery. This warning brings to mind that the results from my unpleasant test at the gyn's merits a minor surgery to rule out anything more serious. I've never had to be put to sleep before. I don't want any kind of surgery, minor or otherwise and I've successfully put it out of my mind until this label on the eye drops insert.
I called my mama and boohooed.
I feel better.

2008-10-03T16:41:00.002-04:00

Going down to NC and visit daddy in the hospital in Greenville. He had a double by-pass on Wednesday after a mild heart attack on Saturday night. Of course, he waited until late Sunday afternoon to tell his wife that he thought something had "gone wrong" the night before. He's stubborn about going to the doctor; I've inherited some of his fears so even though he frustrates me about it, I understand. For now, the doctors say he's recovering well.
L doesn't want to go with us. She's going to miss seeing her friends. I believe this is a choice she has to make herself and so she told me she was going to spend the night with her friend while we were gone. I told her I was disappointed. Grandpa is family and is facing the end of his days. We have fewer and fewer times with him but ultimately, she has to live with her decision.
S, who is without a job and has the time to come with us, can't because his girlfriend won't drive herself into DC to her job and the train doesn't run on the weekend and her parents are out of town so he has to drive her. J hasn't been able to find time to call him. SK is still young enough to do as we say.
All of it makes me wonder what my grandchildren will feel about visiting me when I'm sick, or well for that matter. I don't want to be a parent that stops investing in my family as they grow up and into their own lives. I pray I can be a blessing to my grandchildren and someone they want to be with.

The Invisible Woman

2008-10-01T19:25:00.001-04:00

2008-09-30T11:19:00.002-04:00

It's time to order graduation announcements. I'm trying to adjust my vision from the little bit of a girl she was to the young woman she's become.

2008-09-27T12:02:00.002-04:00

This picture was taken a few months ago on a bright day for S; he had enrolled in school, had a new job and his dad had bought him this car. My heart was hopeful for him.
Since then, he's totaled the car, dropped out of school and yesterday, was fired from his job. I'm trying hard to have hope for him but my heart knows that he has a larger problem that can't be fixed until he admits to it. I can't let myself think about how long, if ever, that might take. I take it day by day. Thankful for each day the Lord lets him live, praying that this day will be the day he comes to his senses.

2008-09-25T17:18:00.000-04:00

Get ready. We're going somewhere.

2008-09-16T16:10:00.004-04:00

Bible study is underway. I'm doing a Precepts class on the book of Philippians. Today was a wham on the top of my head. Kay Arthur talked about how Paul could endure imprisonment because he understood that it furthered the gospel and his goal in life was to that end. She spoke about how many Christians today fight with their circumstances and have regrets over their past because they don't grasp the sovereignty of God over their lives. Their goal as Christians is not about furthering the gospel. Their Christianity is about what God can do for them to make their life better.
I certainly have spent a lot of time fighting my circumstances. I've wanted God to make things right and have not trusted that He is using the wrongness of my situation to work according to His plan. I've regretted things I've done and things I haven't instead of releasing those regrets to God and allowing Him to change me.
It reminds me of when my children were small and I would tell them to Go get ready, we're going somewhere. They never wanted to go. They would dally and sometimes just plain throw a fit that I was interrupting their activities. It didn't matter that we were going for a treat or a trip to the park. They just didn't want to put on their shoes and sit strapped in their car seats. They couldn't appreciate the destination because of the journey.
I suspect that when I see the Lord and the wonders of eternity I will marvel at myself that I resisted the trials and troubles that God used to bring me there. He has promised no more tears or sorrows. What a magnificent place that must be! Why do I throw a fit and refuse to put on my shoes?

Slipping Through My Fingers Sing Along W/ Lyrics

2008-09-11T21:45:00.001-04:00

I was having a grand time at the movies today with my friend and then along came this song.

Off we go

2008-09-10T20:01:00.002-04:00

L has her audition for Point Park University in Pittsburgh, Pa. on October 17th! She's spreading those wings getting ready to fly.

Ohmyeye

2008-09-04T17:33:00.002-04:00

Well, I got a little shocker this morning at the eye doctor's office. I wasn't very worried about seeing her because the last eye doctor I saw said that although I have high eye pressure in my left eye, he didn't think I had glaucoma. This eye doctor is a glaucoma specialist and the other doctor just wanted to cover all the bases (as he put it).

So she looked in my eyes with a really bright light and then began talking about what glaucoma is and how they treat it and I said in what I know was a dumbfounded voice, "Are you telling me that I have glaucoma?". She said, "Yes, I'm telling you that you have glaucoma." She wasn't very happy with me because I said "I don't know anyone who has glaucoma. How did I get glaucoma?" She responded with "How does anybody get anything? I'm a specialist. I don't know how you got it but I know you have it." I'm not a real quick witted woman. I was in shock, I think. After looking at me for a second she said "You didn't expect to hear this, did you?".

She may know about glaucoma but she's a little behind on reading her patients.

September

2008-09-02T17:17:00.004-04:00

I've just decided that gone are the days when I welcomed September. When I was young and the kids were young, September was a time of promise; learning new things, a few hours to myself or to give some extra attention to the babes still at home.

But since that first child's senior year in high school, September has been the bell toll of stress and mayhem. Stress on the senior, stress from the senior. And here I am again, the bell tolling away at the start of L's senior year. Already she's wigged out over her schedule which, she believes, MUST be changed. Today was the first day of classes. She said they went well. Then, she proceeded to wig out over the hour wait between ballet classes.
I mailed off her application to audition at a dance conservatory in Pennsylvania. Stress for me. I don't really want to do this college thing again. Here she is crying and sobbing over having to take ballet. I didn't do too well. Showed my nasty side and said "I don't know why you think you want to study dance if 1 hour a week lag time is doing a number on you." Good grief. It was ugly. A screaming match. Why the heck do I care?!

Son number 2 flunked out of art school. There is nothing I can do for him. He doesn't call or come around and I think I have to just wait on the Lord. I wonder what the mother of the prodigal son was doing as the father watched their youngest son run off down the road? Did she cry and say "Go after him!"? Did she ask his friends where he was, who he was with, if he was eating? I think she must have had to follow the lead of her husband and wait for the boy to come to his senses and return on his own.

The oldest came home for the weekend. His first September where he wasn't off to school. He was a little melancholy and perhaps that rubbed off on me. It was hard to watch him board the bus for NYC knowing that he's in limbo.

I really must get myself A LIFE.

A better day

2008-08-28T10:21:00.002-04:00

Yesterday was kinda stressful. I had a test that's been rumoured to be painful at the ob/gyn. And God was good, as usual. First of all, I liked the doc. She was only a little younger than me-late 40ish-and listened well. Even though she didn't say "I don't think you need the test" she was very comforting about what it involved and how painful it might actually be as opposed to what I may have heard. I'm thinking "I can do this!" As I'm sitting on the table without my pants waiting for the doctor to return, the technician comes in and gets out medical stuff like scissors, giant swabs, and a bowl. I began to have a panic attack and thought "No, not doing this after all." My pants are not that far away and nobody is around. But then God said "You can do all things through Christ who strengthens you." So I thought "Well, Lord, better get to strengthening." Which He did. The doctor also came in just then and even though she's doing a test in which I am in a compromised position, I didn't want her to see me going across the room without my pants on. She just went about it with an of course you are having the test done attitude, leaving me with no good way out. There is no telling how God will do His strengthening. In the end, the test wasn't so painful, just made me feel a little sick to my stomach afterward.
Then I had an eye doctor appointment to see why the pupil in my left eye is constricted when the pupil in my right eye is not. I'm having to put drops in the left for high optic pressure. I previously knew nothing about optic pressure but now know more than I care to. Anyway, on a shopping trip with my girls, L suddenly looked at me and said "Mom! Your eyes look really freaky!" so I called and asked if it was the medicine and my doctor wasn't there and the other doctor said no, it isn't the medicine and come in and see your doctor. So after the ob/gyn, I went and sat for a very long time in the waiting room of the eye doctor. At last, he came in, looked at my pupils and said "It's the medicine." The tech who told me to come in said "But Dr XYZ said it wasn't!" And my doc said "Well, he doesn't know everything." I laughed myself silly and said "Then I'm glad you're my doctor".
This morning I awoke to grey cloudy skies. It's finally raining after a long dry spell. It's going to be a better day.

13 going on growed

2008-08-11T20:24:00.002-04:00

SK is sporting her new hairdo and unlike the last one, this one makes her look older. She loves it and I do not.
We put up her loft bed and took our her princess bed. When we asked her what to do with her princess bed she said she didn't care. I, on the other hand, thought and thought about how to hang on to it. Ultimately, we gave it away. I immediately regretted that decision. I was not ready but nobody asks me if I'm ready before they start growing themselves up.

2008-08-11T15:07:00.002-04:00

It's wild to watch the Olympics after our trip in September to Beijing. Such a different culture and yet, we see things that we recognize.

http://dancinginchina.blogspot.com/

2008-08-05T09:40:00.004-04:00

J, S, L & SK

The best part of the wedding was having all my offspring together.

warning:whining

2008-08-01T08:44:00.003-04:00

We've been home from Myrtle Beach for 12 hours and already the Yeah I'm Home feeling is ppfffting right out of me.
L is having her senior pictures taken today. ppfft
I never did find a dress to wear to this wedding. Believe me, I looked. I wanted something that was weddingish and didn't accentuate my mature woman's body. I couldn't find a one. Dresses must be out in general because the one's I saw and the few I tried on were...how shall I say it..ugly. Nor did I find shoes to go with the dress I decided to wear (which has been hanging in my closet for two years unworn because I bought it on clearance from Coldwater Creek online and it was a tad outdated even then). ppfft
Worry about S is edging in. I talked to him before we left and he said he was all scratched up and banged up from "play fighting" with a guy at work. So. Since when do 20 year olds play fight? He said he wanted to stay over tonight and make sure he's ready and here to leave for the wedding but he hasn't answered my texts or called or made contact. ppfft
I have a medical test looming out there on Tuesday which, by all accounts, is painful. I could not have it I guess. I'm grown. ppfft
I promised our youngest that she could cut her hair after competition and teenager up her room. She's already started asking WHEN are we getting my new room? my haircut? ppfft
Precious 19 year old K is getting married tomorrow. That's not exactly a ppfft but it causes a little nostalgic heartache.
Okay, that's over. I feel much better.

2008-07-31T23:01:00.002-04:00

We're all tuckered out from a week of dance competition. Finally all the rehearsing is over (until September) and we're all looking forward to a month of DO NOTHING summer.

After the wedding of my bf's daughter on Saturday, that is.

17

2008-07-24T14:53:00.005-04:00

L turned 17 on Tuesday. She hated this picture because she'd been dancing all day and looked like it.

We had a Coldstone cake and a few token presents. Her big present is a weekend trip in August on the Bolt bus to NYC. She's going alone (WHAT was I thinking?) and staying with her biggest brother. They'll be going to a show and hanging out. He says if she's going to be a dancer, she needs to get the feel of NYC and I need to get the feel of her going there by herself.

He cracks me up.

Coney Island

2008-07-18T15:21:00.007-04:00

J says that there is debate in NYC over Coney Island.

There is a possibility that it'll close.

So, on our visit last weekend we decided to go see Coney Island while we still had the opportunity. It was not what I expected-so much beach! The kids were bummed that we didn't bring swim suits. They did get to ride the ferris wheel (I stayed on the ground) and we ate a Nathan's hotdog. I LOVE hotdogs and these were tasty.

mother thought

2008-07-17T08:13:00.003-04:00

My little nephew is turning 7. He has twin big sisters who turned 11 last month. It's my SIL's family and they live in California. We don't see them very often. In fact, the last time I saw them was for my oldest's graduation from high school. We were chatting on the phone and she said that you yearn for this concept of family, not realizing that it isn't a static thing that you can hold onto. You imagine a house full of perpetual preschoolers and suddenly you have a house full of pre-teens. And I said suddenly you have a house that isn't full at all.
I read the blogs of younger moms with younger kids and the joy of motherhood explodes off the pages. They are giddy at their good fortune; most are hitting their stride. The most difficult part of mothering is hovering in the distant future: the letting go. We must decrease in the lives of our offspring so they can live fully on their own. I suspect we mothers all say we know that our children are only borrowed but somewhere along the way our hearts don't process the message. Somehow it always is shocking when moving day arrives and they are off on their own.
I would be content to park in phase one of mothering and live forever but God is always pushing me on into the current of life. Enjoy the view but don't put up a tent.

vacation

2008-07-06T21:36:00.005-04:00

Back from one of our best vacations in a long while. Great weather, friends, food and games. Read a couple of good mystery novels, visited the spa, napped and just yakked with the ladies.

Vacation rambling

2008-06-28T09:25:00.003-04:00

We are leaving tomorrow for this place: http://www.caponsprings.net/. It is the most relaxing vacation I've ever been on. Our good friends, who are actually surrogate family, have gone there all their lives and their children's lives but we are new to the place. It's not easy to describe why it's so great; you have to go to Capon to discover if you're a Capon person or not.
Today I'm packing and getting some good books to read. We're all just fiddling around until we can get there.

Summer morning

2008-06-25T09:24:00.004-04:00

I can tell that summer is finally here because I am unable to leap up in the morning and get going. Every summer I say I'm going to leap up early and get going and every summer I hit snooze and just lay there, knowing that the house will be quiet until midday when the girls roll out of bed.
Yesterday morn I went out onto the front porch to water the three potted plants I'm trying not to kill and locked myself out of the house. It's easier to do than you might think. I was in my pajamas so even though it was a beautiful summer morning, I was eager to get back in. I rang the doorbell nonstop and knocked on the door at the same time for about, I don't know, a really long time. My mind kept going to that scripture where Jesus says "Knock and the door will be opened." Scripture can actually help you keep your cool in most situations.
At long last L stumbled bleary-eyed down the stairs exclaiming "I'm so sorry! How long have you been out there?"
"A while." I coolly replied.
The youngest followed her down the stairs and began snickering uncontrollably and when I asked her what was so dang funny, she replied that she heard me out there and thought I was the clothes dryer gone berserk.
I ain't buying it.

Recital

2008-06-21T20:50:00.004-04:00

Today was unexpectedly a big day. The girls went off to the recital without me for the first time ever. I'm really not a hovering stage mother type but in the past they've wanted me nearby in the auditorium waiting "in case". I was happy to oblige. Today, they said "What time are you and dad going to be there?", loaded their costumes in L's car and drove off.

They did not think it was the big deal I thought it was as evidenced here in this photo.

My older daughter has attracted a boy's attention. This is the same boy that she went on her first date with. There has been a lot of other girls for him and a lot of flirting and dancing around their interest in each other. Today, he showed up at the recital with L's bf and one of his friends. To my surprise, the three of them sat with us. My hubby and I were impressed they showed up for as much as we love to watch our girls on stage, dance recitals last up to 3 hours and for the most part are boooriing. My husband has been known to doze off and require an elbow in the side when one of his babies is in the performance. These guys dutifully watched the entire event, with the aid of the bf who helpfully pointed out all the numbers L and her little sister were in.

Perhaps the most momentous event was the break in tradition by my older daughter. In the past we've all gone out for a celebratory dinner after the big show. Tonight, she went to dinner with her friends leaving me feeling a bit cast off. Probably because I have been cast off in favor of a teenage boy and a bf. Which, I fully realize, is as it should be. So, off the three of us went; me, hubby and our baby girl to eat sushi and Coldstone. During dinner, our youngest said "This is how it will be after next year-just the three of us."

I will not start the crying...yet.

okay, so I'm bored.

2008-06-17T21:03:00.002-04:00

I've been goofing around on youtube and came across some clips where I know people. I guess that's why they call it youtube.

A Thief In The Night ~ clip 3

2008-06-17T21:01:00.001-04:00

My brother-in-law and his wife are in this movie. They play Jerry and Diane.

Virginia Belles w/ VGs

2008-06-17T20:46:00.001-04:00

My oldest son's girlfriend is the dark-haired girl on the right.

Assorted events

2008-06-16T17:25:00.002-04:00

Father's Day cookout with 1, 3, 4 and Hubby

The weekend went by in a big blur! J was home from NYC for the weekend to attend a film festival on Saturday. I had a wedding to attend 2 hours away. I took my youngest daughter with me and hubby attended L's ballet recital. Then SD and his girlfriend came for the neighbor's son's graduation party which they attended after their various events. Did I mention it was my hubby's birthday also? Five of us were able to take him out to breakfast and give him some birthday cards before heading off to our various points.
Sunday, hubby and I had nursery duty at church while J took SD back to town to go to work. Our fab five went to brunch and then went home and relaxed. The weather was beautiful. I got plants potted on the deck (the only kind of gardening I seem to have any luck with at all) and called my daddy. Hubby grilled steaks on the grill in the afternoon and then he and I took J to catch the bus back to NYC. The bus station is right across the street from where SD works so we were able to go in and say hi and by. Hubby was glad he got to see all his kids on father's day. Even though it was hectic, it was nice to have everyone around.

I took this picture after J got on the bus. If he knew I took a picture of the bus he was on, he'd never let me go to the bus station to see him off again.